The Real Jace
by A One Girl Revolution
Summary: Jace would die if anyone found out, but the whole cool, uncaring thing? It's just an act. What's more he's not sure much longer he can hold it all together. Clary wants to help him, but how do you help some who won't let you?
1. Chapter 1

**The Real Jace**

**A/N This is my first time posting a fanfiction. I hope to be an author someday and I am using this as practice (plus I love Jace XD). I would really appreciate reviews, especially criticism, flame me if you want I really don't care. I just want to know what you think. **

**CHAPTER ONE**

"Izzy, I'm fine" Jace Lightwood lied. He walked into his room resisting the urge to slam the door in his sister's face -he listened at the door till he heard her walk away- Clary said it was ok to think of himself as a Lightwood, said it was as it should be, but he wasn't sure. He didn't deserve to consider them his family, any more than he deserved Clary Fairchild. But much to his surprise neither his family or Clairy seemed to be going anywhere.

He sighed, he didn't know why he felt so depressed all the time. It had started a long time ago he knew, when he was 10 the day he had thought he saw his father murdered. He knew that in itself was probably fairly normal -if you could call seeing your father die, when he didn't really die, and wasn't really your father normal- but now that he had a family and Clary it should be better right? Instead he kept remembering things Valentine had taught him. Things like to love is to destroy. Maybe it didn't matter who your birth parents were. Maybe if you were raised by evil you became evil. He certainly felt evil at times.

When ever he hurt Clairy as uniteunal as it may be, he heard those words play over and over in head. He thought about how she had cried earlier when he told he was bad for her, ought to leave her- she had tried not to cry but he saw her tears, the tears he had caused. He let her comfort him - again- knowing it was the only way to comfort her. He couldn't keep doing this, Clary was upset, both she and Isabelle were worried and it was all his fault.

This couldn't go on, he needed to end it, end his own life maybe -if that was what it took so be it. He didn't like his life all that much anyway. He had to get out. But the clave wouldn't let him leave till he was 18 and to leave now would get him kicked out of the clave forever. A fate worse than death in Jace's eyes.

He threw himself onto his bed, and tried to think, he had to protect them for himself, but how? As he thought about how he had made Clairy cry he found himself wanting to hurt himself, the hurt he had felt at her hurt was not nearly a enough- yet at the same time it was far too much. He found himself reaching under his bed for a box he had opened too many times. He pulled out the little silver box and opened the lid, he stared at it's contents for a few seconds. Then he lifted the knife out and placed the cool steel against his arm. He took a deep breath and pushed the blade into his skin pulling it across his arm. He cut deep and the blood quickly began to flow down his arm. He sighed, it was sick he knew that this mad him feel better, but it did, so he did it. He always healed himself with a rune after, it wouldn't do for anyone to see his cuts while they were still bleeding. He healed then just enough that they blended in with all his other scars but not enough to take them away completely (The scars were a reminder that he wasn't ok. He was sick of pretending to be ok, to take them away completely was to lie to himself, he knew it didn't make sense, not really, but it did to him and that was what mattered). If anyone found out he didn't know what he would do. But at the same time a small part of him wanted to be found out. Wanted someone to help him, to save him, but was it too late? If it was he would have to kill himself, end all the hurting of the people he loved. This was the way he thought, every day these thoughts ran through his head, every day he hid it. He had to go on for a little longer at least. Max had just died his mom-he felt guilty calling her that but empty when he didn't- couldn't take another death just yet, even if this one would make things better in the long run. He made another cut letting the blood pour down his arm. Then he cleaned off the knife and put in back under his bed. He sat down and watched the blood flow till he started to feel light headed ( He knew he would never go too far with cutting- unless he wanted to...but he wondered how mundies who cut did it, they didn't know as much about wounds, hadn't been forced to learn all about blood loss both through classes and experience. Most importantly they didn't have steles, couldn't heal their wounds, hide their wounds...couldn't save themselves if they went too far and changed their minds). Jace reached for his stele and draw a quick healing rune. It wasn't as good as Izzy's or Alec's, it wasn't even his best, but it only needed to stop the bleeding and heal the wounds enough that they wouldn't attract attention.

He felt tired and light headed from blood loss, he lay down in his bed and slowly drifted off into the safety of sleep. His nights were hunted with nightmares, but during the day, when he was warren out from secret crying and blood loss, as he was now he could enter a safe half sleep in which he knew he was sleeping and knew he ought not to be,yet he chose to stay there, where it was warm and safe.

About 2 hours later he was awakened by a pounding on his door, it was Izzy again.

"Jace show me your arms"

Jace shuddered inside. "why?" he asked sounding bored and uninterested. He opened the door, wondering if she had somehow noticed one of the scars that wasn't from a battle, wondering what he would do if that was the case.

"Alec thinks you've been cutting yourself."

"why?" he repeated in the same bored tone.

"He saw cuts on your arm that he didn't think you got in battle". She rolled her eyes "You know how he is with that whole 'I'm the oldest I have to save everyone' thing.

However I believe he might be onto something this time. So I'm looking into it, like I said I would, instead of just saying and not doing like I normally do." she said in her normal 'I couldn't care less tone', hoping she didn't sound as worried as she was, as she had been for quite sometime now.

Jace sometimes wondered how much of Isabelle's happy, carefree teen girl thing was for real, he had a feeling it was-at least in part- an act (much like his own). But he couldn't really look into it without giving away his act, something he couldn't do. So he kept an eye on his little sister best he could, while protecting her from himself (he just hoped that her life would be better once he was out of it).

"Isabelle, Alec is nuts". Jace really hoped he sounded convincing. "We both know that. But I had hoped you, at least had half a brain." He hoped he sounded like he wasn't scared out of his mind.

"Alec may be a killjoy, and a nutball...but... you've just seemed different lately...and not in a happy way."

"Izz, chill I'm fine. I've just been through a lot lately. But we all have. I mean what with Max and everything." He knew it was low but this was the best way to throw her off. And it was true. He did miss Max he had been closer to the little boy the Alec and possibly Isabelle.

He mentally shook himself. He had to snap out of in. Isabelle was sobbing. He temporarily forgot his own pain. Knowing only that his little sister was crying her heart out, because what he had said and that he had to do something. Without thinking about it he reached out and pulled her in for a hug. She began crying harder now. Her head on his shoulder, her whole body shaking.

Isabelle hated crying in front of people, especially Jace who had always been so strong. But she needed someone to know what she felt. Alec was hardly ever home, spending all his free time with Magnus, and talking to her mom or dad was not something she could do even if she wanted to-which she didn't. That left Jace, Jace who seemed to maybe, just maybe need her right now as much as she needed him, not that he would show it, but maybe if she was careful not to let on how much she knew/suspected he would let her get close enough to help him. So although she knew for a fact there more to it then that just Max's death, she would try to comfort him from that for now, though maybe sobbing in his arms wasn't the best way to do that...oh well she couldn't stop now she was sure that at this point if he were to let go her she would collapse on the floor still crying. Plus if she wanted him to trust her she had to trust him. And what better way to show that trust then by showing her weakness.

Yes she decided this had been her plan all along.

Jace stood there holding his sister for a moment. He didn't know what to do with her. So he gently half carried half guided her to his bed, where he sat with her in his arms until her sobbing slowly stopped. She was asleep. She hadn't been sleeping at night he knew, he heard to crying in the night, but to go to her would be to admit that he wasn't sleeping either, so he never did. He carefully picked her up and carried her down the hall to her room. As he put her in bed, she woke up a bit.

"Jace, I'm sorry it's all my fault he died." she whispered half asleep.

"No Izz, it's not. Just sleep, your makeup can't cover up those black circles if they get any darker." Jace said trying to keep his tone light, as if he weren't about to start crying.

"Don't go" she never would have said it had she been thinking straight, but she was more then half asleep, and only knew that she wanted her big bother with her. Maybe he could protect her from the nightmares that haunted her. "I'll stay till you fall asleep." He looked down and smiled she was already asleep, looking so much younger that it reminded him of when he was 12 at liked to sneak in here to put gum in her hair. Until she started training anyway...

He stayed for an hour or two and fell asleep in her chair, getting some real sleep for the first time in a while. When he woke up he snuck out the door feeling a bit better. Maybe he could help people instead of hurting them. Maybe, but was it worth risking it? And helping Issy was one thing but what if to love to destroy only applied to people you LOVE loved? What if Clairy was in danger because of him? He shook his head, time to stop thinking for now. Maybe Alec wanted to go demon hunting.

A**/N I hope you got SOME enjoyment out of it, If so tell me what you liked if not tell what you didn't like. I have chapter two almost done, I should have it up tomorrow or the next day.**

**Also I'm dyslexic so if you find any mistakes in spelling or grammar please point them out. :) lol (I'm adding this as I go back a fix I bunch of crap I just noticed I messed up :P I'm sure I'm missing something though so point it out!) XD **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

N/A I dont really like this chapter, I had a really hard time writing Clary and Luke. I'll probably go back and fix once I figure out how. Any suggestions are much appreciated. :)

Also Thank you to Kat504 for being the first to set an alert for my story! :D You have NO idea how insanely happy it makes me.

Clary Fairchild threw herself on her bed in much the way Jace had earlier. Jace! That boy! What was she going to do with him? Other girls got mad at their boyfriends, yelled them when they hurt them the way Jace kept hurting her. At least that's how she thought it was supposed to work. She had never acutely had a boyfriend before so she wasn't sure. Not that it mattered what normal girls did to normal guys who hurt them in normal ways. Nothing about Clary's life was normal though, least of all Jace. He never had been normal, that was why she loved him so much. But now he was not normal in ways that scarred her. She wasn't scared of him but for him. He had been so depressed lately. But he wouldn't do anything too stupid...would he? She was fairly sure he had been cutting himself recently, and she know he wasn't sleeping, he had looked like a zombie this afternoon. He had been avoiding her for a while and then today he had tried to break up with her. He said it was for her own good, to protect her, he had even told her that it wasn't what he wanted. That he needed her but she didn't need him. She hadn't let him leave till he promised to call her in the morning, -and that he still loved her. But What if he was at the institute, right now hurting himself? She screamed in frustration and started sobbing. Her mom and Luke were both out so she didn't think anyone would hear.

However as soon as she did so she heard Luke's panicked voice, "Clary! What's wrong? Where are you?"

"Oh great". Clary mumbled. She didn't want to explain herself to Luke, but at the same time she was glad not to be alone.

"Clary!" he called again sounding even more panicked.

"In my room Luke! I'll be right there". She jumped off her bed, and ran into the living room. Luke was standing there, a pizza and a bottle of pop thrown on the couch behind him.

"Clary what happened? Are you ok?" Luke pulled her into a hug then held her out at arm's lengths, to make sure she was unharmed.

"I'm fine Luke." she hid her face in his shirt hugging him back. "Yea fine...and that would be why would your eyeliner is running down your face onto my shirt?"

Clary jumped back, "Oh my gosh Luke! I'm so sorry!"

Luke laughed quietly, "Don't worry about it, I never liked this shirt that much anyway. Sit". He moved the pizza and pop off the couch and sat down. "Clary?" she sat next to him on the couch. "Talk".

"Luke it's nothing, I-I'm sorry I scared you. But really it's nothing."

"I'm not buying it. You're not the type to scream when nothings wrong." Luke put his arm around her and held her tightly. "Look Clary you don't have to tell me, but you know you can trust me. I'll do what I can to help."

Clary smiled through the tears running down her face. "I know Luke, it's just I don't think you can do anything to help this time."

"You could tell me anyway, you might be surprised."

Clary looked at him for a moment. He had always been there for her. She told him things she could never tell her mom. She knew she could trust him...and talking to him often helped her to figure things out.

"You won't tell mom?"

"You know I won't." Luke assured her. "Not unless I have to." he added. But she knew it was just a precautionary measure, he had listened to her complain about her mom being over protective and every other thing girls complained about for as long as she could remember. He had given her advice on everything from school work to boys and even what to wear on her first date. Yet he had never gone to her mom, no matter what she told him.

"It's Jace, he's been so different lately. I don't know what to do! I'm scarred. Oh Luke! She started crying again. Luke wrapped his arms around her again. "Clary listen to me, I don't know what's going on but if he's hurting you he's not worth it."

She started crying harder. "Whatever happened Clary I'm here whatever it is." Luke looked alarmed and Clary resized he thought she was pregnant!

"Luke! It's not that! Oh my gosh! I'm not, calm down!"

"Oh thank God!" Luke exclaimed.

Clary laughed her face bright red "You freak out about everything! You're almost as bad as mom! No it's Jace that's in trouble not me. He been really depressed he thinks he hiding it from me, but he's not. I wouldn't be telling you- he doesn't even want me to know. But I'm scarred for him, he's not sleeping, not eating, all he wants to do is train and fight demons. I think he may be cutting himself. And he won't talk to me about any of this. He thinks he's like Valentine and it doesn't help that mom agrees with him, he's afraid he'll end up like him and hurt me the Valentine did to mom. But he won't, oh Luke he won't! He might hurt himself, and I think he is, but he would never hurt anyone else purpose!" The words poured out so fast Luke could just barely understand them.

"Sweetie", Luke held his almost daughter has she sobbed into his shoulder, it was times like this when she was reminded how glad she was to have Luke there for her all the time. It didn't matter that he wasn't her birth father, he was the one had kissed her boo boos when she was little and her mom wasn't there, he was one had took her Simon to the park and anywhere else they had wanted to go when they were too young to go alone and most importantly he was the one who held her now. If only Jace would let the Lightwoods be his family the way Luke was hers.

"Just be there for him as best you can." Luke could tell there was more to it, but he alos know he wasn't going to get the whole story, not right now anyway. "Your mom doesn't dislike Jace, she just doesn't want anything to happen to you. And don't worry I won't tell her about this if you don't want me too."

"Thank you." Clary sniffled.

Luke smiled and gently pushed her hair out if her eyes so she could see him better. "You can help him, but it won't be easy. Call him randomly to check up on him, take him food to make him eat, and if all else fails talk to him about it. Though I'm not sure what you can do about the sleeping, you are NOT spending the night there anytime soon. But I know you can help him if you put your mind to it."

Clary nodded, "Ok, thanks Luke".

"Anytime, now how about we start on the pizza before it gets completely cold."

"Ok, I'll be right there I need to make a phone call."

Luke just nodded and went to get out plates for the pizza.

Clary went her room and pulled out her phone, she tried Jace's cell, no answer. She started to panic, but it's not like you can rush over to someone's house assuming their in danger just because they don't answer their phone, can you? No she decided you can't. Now what? Isabelle! She could call Isabella, the girl always answered her phone and she would know where Jace was...hopefully. She quickly dialed Issy number.

Isabelle was still sleeping when she heard her phone ringing, it was Clary. "Hello", she said sleepily." "This better be good. You woke me up."

"Sorry Issy, it's important though, where's Jace?"

"You call that important? Why would I know or care your boyfriend is?" Isabelle wasn't gonna show that she was worried about Jace, not unless Clary brought it up first away way.

"Because he's your brother." Clary said then added and I'm worried about him. Hes been acting weird, and not just normal Jace weird."

"Yea I know Alec thinks he been cutting..."

"Yea, I think so too..."

"Clary ?"

"Yes Issy?"

"I'm scarred for him."

"I kno-"

"OhMyGosh wait!" Isabelle interrupted.

"What?"

"There's a note under the door!" Isabelle exclaimed as she jumped out of bed.

"Is it from Jace? What does it say? Is he ok?"

"Hang on I'll read it to you, oh there's two notes...oh ok one from Jace, one from Alec."

"Read Jace's first." Clary said scarred of what it might say.

"It's not a suicide note, you can calm down." Isabelle said her heart slowing down a bit as she scanned the letter.

"It says I'm going demon hunting don't freak I'm taking Alec with me. If we need help we'll call, and it's signed the amazing Jace."

"Of course it is." Clary rolled her eyes. "What's Alex's note say?"

"Just that Jace seemed upset, and was trying to hide it (what else is new, right?) and that Alec took him out to take his mind of off what ever it is that's bothering him."

"Ok text me when they get back ok?"

"will do."

"Thanks, I have to go eat, Luke's waiting for me. But I'll be by tomorrow to check up on Jace. See you then."

"Ok see you, I'm going back to sleep." Isabelle yawned.

Clary clicked her phone off and went into the kitchen where Luke waiting.

"Did you talk to him?"

"No but I talked to Issy, she's worried too".

"Well when you two work together I doubt anyone can stop you." Luke smiled. "Now eat."

Clary did as she was told, but all she could think about was what she was going to say to Jace...if she could get up the courage to talk to him about it.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

A/N I hope this chapter is better then the last one. I still don't know what to do to make it better. Any suggestions are much appreciated.

Oh and I decided to give the characters theme songs! Their theme songs will change depending on their mood, what their going through, that kind of thing. Right now Jace's theme song is My Own Enemy by Thousand Foot Krutch and Clary's is Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch.

And last but far from least thank you to ShadowHunter KaliGurl for being my first reviewer! :)

Latter that night.

Jace was feeling better, he always did after ridding the world of demons. The first thing he did when he got back was check on Isabelle, she was sleeping again but she must have been up at some point, because the letter he left her was on the bed next to her. He smiled and quietly closed the door and went back to his room. Alec had gone to Magnus's for the night and he was alone (his "parents" were both in Idris). He didn't know what to do... He could call Clary but that seemed like a bad idea. He didn't have any other friends. Just Issy, Alec, Clary and ... Simon... gosh he was desperate if he was counting the blood sucker as a friend! Not that he was going to hang out with him or anything.

He went to his room and turned on the radio, quite was the absolute worst thing for him, it gave him time to think and thinking was a VERY dangerous pastime these days. He didn't know much about music, being a shadow hunter didn't give you much time to be a normal teenager. But he liked music and he liked to listen to the lyrics and try to figure out what they meant and what the artist was thinking when they wrote them.

"The secret side of me, I never let you see. I keep it caged, but I can't control it. So stay away from me, the beast is ugly. I feel the rage and I just can't hold it."

God that reminded him of his life right now! But how could make everyone stay away?

"Its scratching on walls, in the closet, in halls, It comes awake and I can't control it. Hiding under the bed, in my body in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this make it end!"

He couldn't control it, that was what scared him.

No one would come save his from this, no one could make it end.

"I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster! I hate what I'v become, the nightmare's just begun, I must confess that I feel like a monster!"

Yep he felt like a monster alright.

The song went on,sounding for all the world as if it had been written about him. There was one part in particular that stood out to him though,

"It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp, there no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart! No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream, MAYBE IT'S INSIDE OF ME STOP THIS MONSTER!"

It wasn't a dream. Unfortunately. And no one could hear hear him scream, mostly cuz he only screamed on the inside, but that seemed to be what the song was getting at.

When the song was done Jace turned off the radio,apparently it wasn't going to be able to distract him just now. Yet at the same time he was glad he had heard that song, it meant he was not quite as alone as he somewhere had an idea of what he felt. Sure he couldn't be as bad off as Jace, hadn't been trained to be a monster the way Jace had, but still someone had a faint idea of what he was going though and that, made him feel so much better. But was it wrong? Was it sick, that the fact that someone else felt his pain made him feel better? No, that's why they wrote the song, to make people feel better... But what if... He cut himself off, no more thinking! Thinking was what was going to kill him! Time for another distraction before he started thinking about killing and dying...again.

Jace jumped off his bed but then just stood there, now what? It was 10, there was no way he was going to bed now (sleeping was only safe during the day, so stayed up as late as he could). So what could he do? He walked to the training room but he didn't really feel like training just now. His phone vibrated in his pocket. It was Clary.

"Hey", Jace answered trying to keep his voice normal.

"Hey", she responded. "You want to come over?"

"It's 10 o'clock Clary." Jace said wishing he could race over there. He decided right then to give himself one last chance with Clary, next time he did the wrong thing though it was over.

"So? Luke said you can spend the night if you sleep on the couch and

remember that he will be watching. Hang on."

She held the phone away from her ear and looked at Luke. "I said it, you heard me, you can go away now."

Luke laughed. "Ok, just remember I talked your mom into this. So you owe me".

"Sorry about that." she said moving her phone back to her ear.

"I take it your mom's not home?" Jace asked.

"Yep, she's away for the weekend for work. So you can come over, then you can help me train in the morning. Maybe you could take me demon hunting?"

"I'll come over and I'll help you train, but we'll see about the demon hunting. It depends how well you do in training."

Clary laughed, "Yes sir! But you should know you're acting like some weird wise old training guy from some movie."

"What ever weirdo I'll be right there i I just need to let Issy know I'm going".

They hung up and Jace went back to Isabelle's room. He opened door and saw that she was still sleeping. He left her a note and gently kissed his little sister's forehead. This was the real him, the way wanted to be-nice to everyone-but he couldn't be. If he was people would like him, and that was just to dangerous to risk. When people got close to him he hurt them. But now he had one last chance to change that.

When he got to her house Clary was waiting at the door.

"Jace!"

She cried as she threw herself at him. He held her tightly in his strong arms, and she felt so safe, but it was Jace that wasn't safe not her. He had a way of making her forget all her worries, sometimes even the ones about him, but that was a luxury she couldn't afford just now.

As Jace stood there in the doorway holding his Clary in his arms, he felt better then he had in a long time. He kissed her and as she kissed back he felt glad to be alive, it was a rare feeling these days and one he only really felt with Clary. He picked her up and spun her around laughing as she protested. But it had been so long since she had seen him this happy, heard him really laugh, that she ended up laughing to.

Jace Clary had decided , needed (and was going) to have fun. As soon as he set her down she started whacking him with a pillow off the couch.

"Geez Clary, I didn't know you called me over here to kill me!"

He snachted up a anther pillow and the fight was on.

Jace was having the most fun he had in a long time. Clary however was having fun but she couldn't quite stop worrying about Jace. She felt better having him with her so she could keep him safe though and he seemed to be having fun so she decided to try to do the same, just seeing him smiling again was enough to make her want to laugh out loud with joy.

After a while it became clear that Jace was the better fighter by far even if it was just pillows. Clary spent most of the time either hiding under couch cushions or being beaten mercilessly. Although she did get her fair share of hits in, which Jace claimed was all due to his amazing training skills. Once he got bored of winning (which took a while because come on, this is Jace we're talking about) he pinned Clary to the floor and began tickling her.

"Stop it!" she squealed what she could stop laughing long enough to breath.

"Jace! Stop it!"

Jace glanced over his shoulder and saw Luke standing there laughing.

"I was just making sure you guys are ok" He said. "I'll leave you alone".

Jace had only looked away for a second but that was all Clary needed to pull him on top of her. Then she had a problem. How did she get him OFF of her? Luckily he was so shocked that she had caught him off guard she was able to do it again, flipping him over and rolling on top of him.

"I win!", she called out!

"Cheater!" Jace replied laughing.

"Sore loser! Get Ready for payback!" She leaned forward and bit his ear.

"Ouch! You little demon!"

"Right, you beat me to death with pillows, and I'm the demon?"

Instead of answering her, Jace reached up and pulled her down for a kiss. She stopped fighting him as soon as his lips touched hers and melted into the kiss.

After that they curled up on the couch and turned on the tv. They half watched but mostly they just talked about things that neither of them really cared about-but it was nice to just be together-taking kissing breaks every now and then.

At about about 1 in the morning Clary got up and turned the lights off. She could tell Jace was not his normal self, as much as he wanted to think he was ok, and though he may have been doing better that didn't mean he was safe yet or that he didn't need to be taken care of. Right now what he needed was sleep. She could probably use some sleep too now that she thought about it. Lately her sleep had been interrupted but worry about Jace. But if he was with her he was safe at least for right now, so maybe they could both get some much needed rest. They kept talking for more then an hour, at wich point Jace started yawning. Clary convinced him to lay down on the couch, which was really quite an easy task once she promised to lay down with him.

Laying her head on his shoulder she snuggled up next to him. This was how life should be!

Jace felt Clary snuggling up next to him, getting comfortable for the night, and smiled this was how life should be!

"Goodnight my angel." Jace whispered in her ear, then be began kissing her neck.

"Night, I love you Jace". She whispered back, enjoining the feel of his lips.

"I love you too Clary."

After that they just lie there, kissing and caressing each other (but nothing as would cause Luke to freak out should he happen to come in).

Jace's last thoughts as he started to drift off were of how much he didn't deserve this and he wondered if he could ever be as good for Clary as she was for him. He doubted it, she would be better off without him he knew, but...

Clary feeling him tense ever so slightly started kissing him again to take his mind of whatever was bothering him. He tensed a bit more then once again relaxed into her affection, letting himself forget everything for just little while.

Clary still couldn't sleep, it was ok though, she happy just to be with Jace but...he was NOT OK and the way he had tensed just now proved it. Still there wasn't anything else she could do to help him just now. So she just lay there, warm and cozy, trying to think of ways to help her beloved Jace before he went to place she couldn't follow and never came back. That was her biggest fear, thing thing she had to prevent at all cost, but how?

N/A

The song Jace heard is Monster by Skillet. I highly recommend it.

Also this chapter reminded me of another song by Skillet, Those Nights. If you listen to it you'll see why.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

A/N Jace is not being possessed like in City of Fallen Angles. He is depressed and confused. Just thought that may need to be clarified. I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible. If you have any suggestions to make it more realistic please PM me or leave it in a review. :)

On another note I have been reading City of Lost Souls and I resized Izzy is spelled Izzy not Issy. Sorry about that... I feel stupid now... Lol

Oh and one more thing, does any one like the idea the characters having songs that match what their going though? Clary's song is still Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch, and Jace now has two songs, My Own Enemy by Thousand Foot Krutch and now Shadows by Red. Yes I listen to music no one has ever heard of, but if you look it up you might like it. XD

Disclaimer: I own nothing. But you knew that right? I mean this is . XD

AND NOW THE STORY! =D

Jace woke up , looked down at the sleeping girl next to him and smiled. Then he tensed as he remembered all the thoughts that ran through his mind every day. He really shouldn't be here.

Clary who was finally sound asleep felt him tense and started to wake up.

"No my love sleep." Jace breathed into her ear, he couldn't give up these few moments of relative peace, "It's still sleeping time."

"Mmm'kay", Clary mumbled. She snuggled closer to Jace and he once again relaxed. After awhile he fell back asleep.

They slept till 9:30, (which was extremely late for Jace who been trained to rise early in the morning no matter what. But lately he had gotten so little sleep that for once basic teenage instincts over rode his training-the warmth and comfort of having Clary there was like magic for him, only better because magic never seemed to work out the way you wanted it too) at wich point the smell of pancakes floated in from the kitchen and woke them up.

After breakfast they packed a picnic lunch and went to the park to train. Clary always wondered what other people thought when they saw them training but no one ever really seemed to give it a second thought.

Jace felt numb, he know he should be happy, or at least feeling something. But he felt nothing. He was vaguely worried about it, but not really, the numbness took even that from him. He went though the motions of training Clary, the only thing getting him through it the knowledge that it could well save her life someday. The only thing he could feel though the numbness was that he loved Clary. It might not have been as strong or clear as it should have been, it might have been clouded and blurry but it was there and he clug to it.

What was happening to him?

He been fine early, doing better then he had in days maybe weeks.

He needed to tell someone.

But he couldn't.

But Clary needed to know, right?

Did she know?

Maybe.

Maybe she could help.

He didn't deserve her help.

Did it even matter?

No one could help him.

It was too late.

He didn't even care.

That might have been the worst part, he didn't care if he lived or died. Dying sounded like the better chose. But it shouldn't, right?

Most people have a hard time believing it but the numbness that sets it as depression tries to creep in and take over is one of the scariest feelings there is , oddly made all the more terrifying by the fact that though the fear is there, strong enough to tear apart your soul, you can hardly feel it.

This is what Jace was going through and it made concentrating nearly impossible.

After they ate Jace got a call from Alec, there were some demons nearby that needed killing. The whole time he was on the phone he heard Isabelle in the background repeating, "Tell him to bring Clary", and "Alec! Give me the phone!", at one point she actually grabbed the phone from Alec to tell Jace, "it's three small, not THAT dangerous demons. Bring Clary everyone knows girls are better fighters than guys."

"

" Iss, no one knows that, its not true. But yes I'll bring her.", Jace said trying to sound like he cared, like he didn't just want to curl up on the ground right then and there and never get up. "We'll be right there".

Why was this suddenly getting so much worse? He just wanted to be alone, but at the same time he was scarred to be (as scared as could be though the numbness).

Jace had been hoping that demon hunting would snap him out of it, no such luck.

It turned had turned out there was more than three demons, 5x3

in fact, and much more deadly then they had though.

Alec came up with a plan, and since to his surprise Jace didn't have a better one they used it. Stay in a circle, stay to together. That way they (hopefully) wouldn't have to fight them all at once and if any one (Clary knew he meant her but was too nice to say it) needed help they would all be right there. It worked quite nicely at first. Izzy was fighting three of them as was Alec. Clary was holding of one quite nicely while Jace who was of course right next to her fought three that were rightfully his and one that she ought to have been fighting. He didn't think she was ready for more than one demon at a time. Then he got a brilliant idea. He ran out of the circle drawing all the demons who weren't ready engaged in battle to him. Bad idea. Jace never took on more then he could take. He liked to think that that was because he take anything but in truth even he had his limits. The depression was clouding his mind, messing with his judgment. There was no way he could handle all those demons at once. But he couldn't see that and if could he might not even have cared.

Isabelle was still fighting two of the three demons she been dealing with when Jace decided to be an idiot. She looked over and saw Jace lying on the ground trying to fight off more of the things then she could count. He was already bleeding heavily and he had only managed to kill a few of them.

"Alec!" she screamed Jace needs help!"

Alec quickly glanced over his shoulder, his eyes widened with fear, as he saw just how stupid Jace had been. "Damn it". He swore as he quickly beheaded the demons. When he thought about it latter was surprised at how fast he had finished them off. But right now all that mattered was Jace. He ran to him as fast he could but by the time he got there one of the demons had attached himself to Jace's arm and was feeding off him. These things were obviously much more dangerous then they had first appeared to be. Alec quickly killed the thing and moved on to the next. By now though they had all shifted their attention to Alex.

"Issy! Hurry up please!".

"I'm trying!".

Clary finished of her demon and ran to help her boyfriend.

"Jace!" she yelled panicked.

"Help Alec." Jace said struggling to maintain consciousness.

"But I", she began.

"Shadow hunter code Clary." Jace managed to get out. "Go!"

She went.

Five minutes later all the demons were gone.

Clary ran to Jace, her heart beating so quickly she almost thought it would stop altogether.

"Jace! Jace talk to me! Please!".

He was silent.

She began to sob as Isabelle and Alec hurried over.

"Izzy get Clary back". Alec said taking charge. "Now." he added when his sister hesitated.

Isabelle who was close to tears herself as the sight her brothers bloodied and broken looking body, took Claru firmly by the shoulders and pulled the smaller girl back. Clary resisted at first then relented letting the other pull her back and then into an odd sort of hug as they both stared at Jace as Alec leaned over him to take his pulse.

"He's alive".

Both girls relaxed a bit at Alec's words. "But he's badly hurt. I'll call Magnus. Izzy you try a few runes, I don't think they'll work though, too much poison." He pulled his phone and dialed Magnus.

Clary followed Isabelle to Jace's side and as the other girl pulled out her stele she grabbed her cell phone.

"I'll call Luke", she said, her voice shaking slightly. "We'll need his truck to get Jace home." If Jace lived that long. She shook her head. No! She couldn't let herself think like that. Not now, now Jace needed her.

"Magnus will be right here." Alec looked over at his sister, "Any luck with the runes?"

"No the venom won't let him heal. I tore up his shirt to use to stop as much of the bleeding as I could." She sounded desperate.

Clary was kneeling next to Jace, stroking his hair and talking softly to him. Suddenly Jace began talking, but he was still unconscious.

"Clary I have to die." he said.

Clary gasped unable to say anything. "No Jace! No. You can't. Stay with me, oh Jace please stay with me!" she pleaded once she found her voice again.

"Evil" Jace mumbled. "No more hurting people."

Clary looked over at Jace's siblings unsure what to do. Isabelle was crying. She grabbed her bothers hand and held it tightly if by that small gesture she could tether him to this life. Alec was in shock. He looked like was trying not to burst into tears as the two girls with him already had. He knelt once more his brothers side and began talking to him in a soft soothing voice. Telling him that he couldn't leave, not now, not yet, telling him it would be ok.

Clary kissed Jace's forehead and whispered in his ear about how much she loved and needed him. About how without him she would die.

Magnus and Luke arrived at almost the same time (Luke had been nearby, and it took Magnus a few minutes to gather everything he might need. Both men could see that there was more going then just Jace being near death. But both knew they couldn't waste time asking questions.

Magnus rested a hand on Alec's shoulder. "Get back" told him. "Take the girls and get back. This won't be pretty."

Alec wanted to stay but he knew Magnus well enough to know that the warlock could work better if he wasn't being distracted by two sobbing teenage girls, he also knew his sister only cried when no one was around. The fact she was there sobbing in front of him scared him and know he needed to comfort her. He nodded and stood up.

"Issy, come on we have to get out of the way." he gently guided her to Luke's truck.

Luke saw this and jumped out to open the door for them.

He glanced over and saw Clary pleading to stay with Jace. He could tell there was no time to wast so he ran over to them and gently but firmly pulled her to her feet.

"Clary, Magnus need to concentrate. You can sit with Jace in the truck on the way to the institute."

Magnus felt bad for the girl, he didn't much like shadow hunters but this girl was barely a shadow hunter at all and she clearly didn't think she was better then down wolders the way so many shadowhunters did (after all Luke was a werewolf and she was currently hugging him as if he were the only thing keeping her from falling apart, and maybe he was). But most importantly he know how he would feel if that was Alec lying on the ground. He could tell she loved Jace every bit as much as he loved Alec. He knew he would be unable to leave Alec's side if he were in her place and Alec in Jace's. So he smiled sympathetically at the pleading girl in front of him and said, "You can stay, if you can pull yourself together. I might need you to keep him calm if he wakes up. This will hurt him. But it's the only way to help him. Just don't look at what I'm doing. I mean it Clary." He warned knowing that she would be tempted to disobey. "I need you to stay clam and looking won't help you do that. Jace needs you Clary."

Clary nodded, "What do you want me to do " she asked she had stopped crying as soon as she heard it was the only way she could stay.

"Hold his head in your lap and just talk to him. Tell him anything, I don't know if he can hear us right now or not but if he can hearing you will help him."

As she took her Jace's head in her lap Magnus began to work. Jace winced in pain several times (but not as often as Magnus had hoped he would. He boy much worse then Magnus had first thought, so much so that he was surprised he could feel anything that was being done to him). After about 10 minutes he told them there was nothing else he could do till they got him home. Luke carefully picked the boy up and carried him to the truck. They laid him across the back seat, Magnus sitting on the floor in front of him in case he was needed. Clary, Isabelle and Alec squeezed in next to Luke. As they drove to the institut they were silent, each lost in their own thoughts.

Isabelle wondering how she would deal with the death of another brother and the loss of the only person who ever seemed to even almost understand her, even if he didn't show it. Well the only person who wasn't Simon she still didn't know she really felt about Simon, she shook her head, 'not the time Izzy' she scolded herself, started to pray for Jace. Isabelle never prayed but now seemed like good time to start. It was comforting somehow.

Alec thinking about he should have been there more. He been gone so much lately. If he'd been around more would he have seen that Jace getting more and more sueusidal? Been able to stop it?

Clary hoping that this wasn't her fault, maybe she had done something that made him think she'd be better off without him? What if she had said something to him last night? Would things be different now? Better?

Each teen wondering how they would go on without Jace if didn't come back to them. Each wondering if they would be able to survive that loss. Each wondering if should the unthinkable happen would they just give up too? Follow Jace into the unknown that was death? Alec know he probably wouldn't, Magnus won't let him. Isabelle wasn't sure. But she would at least have Simon. She might not know it but she would be "ok" (ok meaning alive and somewhat funchunal, nothing more). Clary couldn't let herself think about it. She didn't think she could go on without Jace and even if she could she would never be happy, never in love again, never have a real life. She couldn't loss Jace and she wouldn't. She wouldn't let him leave her. No matter what it took to bring him back. But bringing back would only solve so much. He could still leave again. She had to help him. Heal him, on the inside as well as his broken body. But how?

Love it? Hate it? Let me know. Sorry it took me sooooo long to update :P I hope to have chapter 5 up by Monday at the latest. We'll see how that works out.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

**N/A**

**I recommend listening to The Last Night by Skillet and or Look Away by Thousand Foot Krutch while reading this chapter, they such seem to match the mood of the chapter if that makes any sense. XD**

Jace was stable. Clary still couldn't breath properly though. Magnus had made it clear that stable didn't by any means mean safe. And even once he out of danger from the demon venom there was still the fact that he had done this to himself. He wasn't stupid he had known he could be killed doing what he had done, yet he done it anyway. Luke made her, Izzy, Alec and even Magnus go rest. Promising to stay with Jace and get Magnus if anything changed. Alec and Magnus went into Alec's room. As soon as they lay down Magnus was out. It had taken 10 hours to get Jace stabilized, and he was happy to get some sleep now knowing his work wasn't done yet. Alec couldn't sleep though, and he doubted his sister or Clary could either. He quietly slipped out of bed and down the hall to Isabelle's room. Clary was already there. She had walked to the spare room she was to stay in as if she were sleepwalking, not really sure where she was going knowing only that she was leaving Jace. She had sat down on the bed and instead of crying just sat there staring out the window. Izzy had quietly opened the door.

"Clary" she said sounding slightly unsure, "Want to come in my room? I just thought you wouldn't want to be alone." The truth was Izzy didn't want to be alone either and she know Alec was with Magnus so she had gone to Clary. Alec came in to find that both girl were sitting on Isabelle's bed, not saying anything just taking comfort from the fact that they weren't quite as alone as they felt. Isabelle jumped off the bed and ran to him. He held her tightly for a few moments then gently pulled her hair. He guided her back to the bed and sat down next to her. Still none if them said anything. Finally Clary couldn't take it any more.

"We have to do something."

"Duhh"

"Izzy," Alec's voice was sharp but with worry more then anger. "What can we do?" way he said it it was more as if he were talking to himself then either of the girls.

Clary sighed, "Well... Maybe first we should figure out what's wrong with him." they knew she was referring to what had made him suicidal rather then the demon venom.

At first no one said anything. Then after awhile Isabelle spoke up. "He's been so...different lately. Sad... Lost...I mean". she stopped. "I don't know where I was going with that..."

Clary who would normally have loved to see the unflappable Isabelle at a loss for words reached out and awkwardly hugged her.

"I know what you mean."

Alec nodded. "Yea me too, though admittedly most sane people would have no clue what you were talking about."

"He seemed ok last night. Not back to normal but ...happy. Like really really not just pretending for my sake happy." Clary Said.

"But what about earlier in the day?" Alec asked. "Izzy said he seemed pretty upset about something."

"He told me it had to do with" Isabelle took a deep breath. "Max... But I think there was more to it then that." She looked at Clary. Did he say anything to you?"

Clary nodded, "He said he was b-bad for me...that he needed to leave me. But he couldn't. That he loved me too much for my o-own g-good." she was shacking, Alec picked up a hot pink blanket from the floor and wrapped it around her shoulders. It helped a little even though she hadn't been shaking from cold. She managed a smile of thanks. She remembered how much he had hated her when they first met. They had never been close even once he got over that, but worry about Jace seemed to be pulling all three of them together. "That's basically what he said when we were waiting for Magnus," Izzy pointed out. "Which means he meant what he said then, it wasn't just delusional crap."

They were all silent for a while. Then Alec spoke up again. "I've been thinking."

"Really is this your first time?" Isabelle interrupted. "Izz" Alec's tone was warning but he wasn't really mad. He knew his sister was just trying to lighten the mood, even if it wasn't possible and he had no right to talk, he was after all the king of ill timed jokes.

"Clary said he wasn't back to normal. What is normal for Jace? Maybe as long as any of have known him he hasn't been normal. He's always been almost in love with the idea of dying. Or that's how he's always acted at any rate... And all he's been through... God even for a shadow hunter he's had a hard life. I mean by the time we met him he had already seen his father murdered. Or thought he had anyway."

"So he's depressed?" Clary asked, thinking that this made sense.

"Technically shadow hunters don't get depressed. They don't believe in it." Alec sounded doubtful though.

"So what do we do? Take him to a therapist?" Clary knew it was a stupid idea but she didn't know what else to say.

"No," Isabelle said firmly "he wouldn't talk to them and if he did they'd put him in the nut house. Shadowhunters? Demons? Like anyone would believe that?"

"But we agree he is depressed right?" Clary asked.

The other two exchanged looks, then reluctantly nodded.

"So now what?" Isabelle wanted to know. We sort of know what's wrong with him. But how do we fix him?"

"Talk to him?" Clary's voice was quite. She knew it sounded lame, but what other choice did they have?

"Ok." Alec said to her surprise. Izzy nodded. "It sounds lame but I guess its the best plan we have". She didn't really think it sounded all that lame. She had felt a lot better after talking to Jace the day before, or two days ago really, it was after midnight now. Alec also thought it might help a little, when he was upset talking to Magnus always helped, and he hated opening up to people.

Shortly after that Alec went to back to his room. Izzy still not wanting to be alone, invited Clary to stay to night in her room. Clary grateful agreed and both girls eventually fell asleep. Both wondering if their plan would work. But it had to. There was no was no other option.

**N/A**

**Sorry its so short, it's basically just setting up for the next chapter though.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six

A/N

**I hope you like it! This chapter was really hard to write I kept having to rewrite it. :P **

**Play list for this chapter:**

**We All Fall by Superchic(k)**

**Invisible by Disciple**

**and Get Back Up by Toby Mac**

**Injoy!**

It was two days latter and Jace was still unconscious. He came awake every now and then, but he was never really aware of where he was. Sometimes he would call out for one of his siblings or more often Clary. But when they stood by his side trying to calm him he didn't respond, only kept calling getting more and more frantic till one of them put him to sleep with a rune or Magnus used a spell to calm him.

Clary sat by his bedside, alone for the time being. Alec and Isabelle were in the library with their mother who had just arrived from Ideris. (N/A: is that you spell it?)

Mayris had walked into Jace's bedroom, seen her now youngest son laying there and broken down. She had pulled him into her lap and held him telling him how sorry she was about the way she had treated him, and how much she loved him. Eventually Isabelle had lead her out into the library and that was where they were now.

"Clary?"

She had been half asleep, it seemed she could only sleep at all when she sitting here listening to him breathing, reassuring herself he was still alive.

At the sound of his voice her head snapped up. She hurried to the side of his bed, afraid that once again he would just keep calling, unaware that she was there the whole time. When she stood over him he repeated her name just as he had every other time. But this time he looked right at her.

"Jace." she whispered putting all her feelings for him in that one word, all her love, all her worry everything".

"Clary," he said again his voice was weak but it was his, he was alive and talking and Clary had never been so happy to hear anyone repeating her name over and over.

"Clary, why am I still here?" he ask. He wasn't completely sane at the moment, that was clear. He would never have that if he had been. Magnus had said this might happen but it would pass in time. Maybe Clary thought, this was happening for a reason. If he was being this honest maybe now would be a good time to get him talking. She decided to try it. Starting slowly, not wanting to push too hard after he had been unconscious for three days she asked "What do you mean?" she had a bad feeling she knew the the answer but she needed to hear it from him.

"I should be dead, I realized I would die when it bit me. But it was for the best. Why am I still here? Clary? Why?"

It was like talking to a child. Clary could hardly stand it. All his normal attitude was gone. Replaced by simple childlike honesty.

"Jace you're still here because we love you." She couldn't talk seriously to him, not now, not when he was like this.

"Oh." she could tell a part of him knew this was a crap answer but he was too weak to fight venom and the childlike way it was making him act. "I'm tired." he said as if to prove her point.

"Ok then," she tried to keep her voice light as if this was perfectly normal. Magnus had said that when he woke up who ever was with him should play along with what ever he said. At least he wasn't haulonationing like Magnus said said he might. Keep him happy then get Magnus as soon as she could that was what she was supposed to do, what she would do if she could get through this.

"Why don't you sleep?"

Jace just looked up at her. "Jace I'm going to go Magnus. You stay here. Ok?"

"Fine. But come back? Please?"

"Yes Jace, I promise, I'll be right back. I love you." she added softly, deciding that she would tell him that every time she got a chance until him was better, maybe even after.

As she walked down the hall looking for Magnus she wondered how she and the others were going to talk to Jace. Was this even a good plan? Probably not... But they had to do something and not matter how many times talked she talked about it with Izzy and Alec about it they couldn't come up with anything better. Stupid shadowhunters not having therapist or anything useful like that. After all shadowhunters seemed to need them more then anyone else, before she had met them she hadn't thought people could actually DIE from grief or headache and whatnot .Stupid stupid shadowhunters!

She found Magnus in the kitchen trying to not eat the lunch Izzy had made without hurting her feelings too much. All three Lightwoods were there. Clary didn't Know what to say.

"Magnus... Jace is awake." she said softly.

Izzy and Alec jumped up, but their mother just started crying some more. 'moms...' Clary thought. She loved Jace just as much if not more then his mother did, she knew it was a different kind love, but still. She had just seen the boy she loved more then anything else in the world acting like 5 year old and she wasn't crying. That's not to say she didn't feel like crying, but she wasn't.

"Everyone stay here. I'll make sure he's ok and come let you know when you can see him." Magnus said sounding slightly awkward, as if unsure how the others would react to this.

"Just take care of him Magnus." Alec said. His mother nodded. "Or else." Izzy added.

"I will."

Magnus, looked for Clary but she was already in the hallway. He doubted she was going to be happy about waiting to see Jace. But he didn't know what Jace would be like and didn't want her to have to see anything too awful..well anything else anyway, he honestly didn't know how such a tiny girl could be so strong, then again he had known Charlotte who was after Clary's great great grandmother or somesuch thing, so he shouldnt be so surprised.

She was already half way to Jace's room when Magnus caught up to her.

"How was he?"

"Like a little kid. He ask me why he was still alive."

Magnus winced. He couldn't imagine how hard this must be for her. But the little shadowhunter however small and delicate she might appear, seemed to be quite a bit tougher then she looked.

"And that's all?"

Clary glared at him and he added. "I mean what did you tell him and how did he react." He saw the look on her face and sighed. "Clary I know this hard for you. But I need to know how he is so I can know what to do."

She nodded. "I told him he was still here because I love him... and h-he accepted it."

Magnus was surprised that her voice had only broken once. "I know this is hard but it will pass. I don't know for sure how long it will take but him should be somewhat better in a few days."

They were now standing outside Jace's door. "Will you please wait in the hall Clary? If he's worse I don't want you to see it." He had decided and that being honest with the determined girl was the best way to go. He also realized that ordering her to wait in the hall wouldn't work.

"No." she said her voice firm and decided. "He asked me to come back and I promised I would. Besides, would you wait? If it were Alec I mean?"

He shook his head, "No. I wouldn't." He opened the door and they walked in.

Jace was sleeping. Everyone had gotten a chance to talk to him. Magnus gave him a potion to counteract the poison and Clary put him to sleep with a rune.

The three them were once again sitting in Izzy's room, trying to come up with a plan.

"Now what?" Izzy asked.

They all knew what she meant. What did they do with a suicidal five year old. How could they talk to him when he was like this.

"Do we wait?" Alec wanted to know.

They all wanted to know.

"I guess we just make it up as we go." Clary said though she sounded unsure. "I mean I was going to talk to him when he woke up but... I just couldn't."

Alec looked at her. "You did the right thing. I think we just do what ever feels right. For now anyway."

"None of this feels right!" Isabelle was only saying what the others were thinking but didn't want to say.

"I know." Clary said. "But right now I don't see that we have much choice.

Two days latter:

Clary walked into Jace's room and was surprised to see him sitting up.

"Jace! You should be resting!". He just looked at her not saying anything. "Jace?" Clary was starting to get worried. "What's wrong? Are you ok? Should I get help?"

"No."

"What's wrong?" she repeated hoping he could tell she meant everything, not just what was wrong that was making him ignore her, but why he had done this to himself, though maybe they were one and the same.

He looked at her his pale gold eyes dull, empty, the only feelings she could see in them were flashes of pain, despair, self-hatred. It made her heartache seeing him like this. She sat next to him on the bed. His eyes following her, but he still didn't say anything.

Clary looked at him, Jace the only boy she had ever loved, really loved. She couldn't lose him. She didn't love easily. She realized now that was how shadowhunters are. They didn't love many people, didn't trust easily, but if they trusted you they trusted you with their life and when they loved it with their whole being. She couldn't lose him. She wouldn't lose him. If took ten years of not ever leaving his side then so be it. But right now she needed to get him talking. He needed to talk to someone and since there was no shadowhunter therapists or counselors that left her.

She sat still just looking at him. he had always seemed so strong. Like nothing could hurt him. Even now, although he looked so weak it scared her to death she know he was still strong. If he wasn't he would have gave up a long time ago.

"Jace."

He didn't say anything. Only kept staring at her.

"Listen to me Jace." she looked into his torchered eyes. "You will NOT leave me. I will NOT let you go." her voice was soft but firm.

Still Jace said nothing.

"Jace? JACE!." still nothing.

She placed her hands on his shoulders and shook him. "Jace! Are you listening to me?" She shook him again, harder. "You don't get to do this Jace! You don't get to leave me! I love you! Losing you? Jace! That would kill me! Jace answer me right now!"

Something flickered across his face so fast she almost doubted having seen it.

"Clary." He said, it sounded as if he having trouble speaking. "Clary." he repeated this time his voice was a bit more clear, but he still sounded so sad, so broken. Each word felt like a knife in her heart.

"It's too late. No one can save me."

He saw the look on her face, the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I don't diverse you Clary! You can do so much better!"

Clary laughed at that. "NO JACE I COULDN'T! DON'T YOU GET IT? I LOVE YOU!" she was screaming now but she didn't care who could hear her. "I DON'T DESERVE YOU! BUT THAT ASIDE I WILL NOT LET YOU LEAVE ME! YOU DON'T GET A CHOSE!"

Jace looked at her. He could see now how much she meant what she said. She was sobbing. Sitting on the ege of his bed her whole body shaking with the force of her tears. He slowly leaned forward and put an arm around her shoulders. He couldn't stand to see her like this. He pulled to her into himself and she buried her face in his chest.

They sat there like that for a long time. Then Jace whispered, " I'm sorry Clary."

She looked up at him. "Don't be. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

Jace opened his mouth to say something but she put one her small pale hands gently over his lips.

"Listen to me Jace" he nodded and licked her hand. She smiled, glad to see he was feeling well enough to be an ass.

"I love you, and I am going to save you. You've saved my life more times then I can count. Now let me do the same for you."

Jace looked at her his gold eyes still dull but she saw a spark of something in them that just might be hope.

"Fine."

"Fine." she smiled this might not be a lot but it was something.

Jace saw her smile and felt a fleck of hope just for a moment but it was more then he had felt in a long time.

"How?"

She knew what he meant. What she didn't know was the answer to his question.

"I honestly don't know. What ever it takes. You'll have to talk to me though. Or Izzy or Alec. Just as long as you stop keeping everything inside."

Jace shuddered at the thought and Clary held him tighter.

"And?"

"And what ever else it takes, I will not let you give up! I won't lose you Jace. If I have to watch you 24-7 forever then that's what I'll do."

"Even while I'm in the shower or going to the bathroom?"

She laughed, so glad he was able to joke that she couldn't bring herself to scold him... or maybe she could, she gently bit his ear. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her.

Then he yawned. Clary sat up quickly.

"You're tired! You should sleep. I didn't mean to tire you out."

"Clary. It's fine. I can't sleep any way." he stroked her back.

"Jace you really should rest now." she didn't want to leave him but he was still so weak and he really did need to sleep.

"Stay?" his voice was hesitant, and she knew he was thinking how "unworthy" he was of her.

"I thought you'd never ask."

They snuggled together under covers. They didn't do anything, just layed there. They didn't want to do anything, this felt so wonderful, so safe. Safe was a feeling Jace didn't knew very well, but he liked it, and he loved this. Clary was for the time being at least, free of the fear that hadn't left her in what felt like years.

Neither of them had slept properly since that night on Luke's couch and before that God only knows how long it had been. Jace fell asleep as soon as Clary curled up next to him. It took her a bit longer, but not much head resting on his chest, listening to the beating of his heat, the heart she would not let stop beating. She knew it would be hard for both of them but she believed they could make it. She just hoped she was right.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter seven**

**A/N**

**I was reading some of the earlier chapters and I found that I kept putting N/A instead of A/N! Lol sorry about that. I also found I bunch of other dyslexia caused mistakes sorry about those too. I thought I was doing pretty well proof reading but I guess not... Ill try harder starting on this chapter :)**

**Sound track to this chapter: (in case anyone but me cares lol) Just Like Me by Hawk Nelson and Scream by Thousand Foot Krutch (Yes TFK is my all time favorite band. How could you tell? Lol)**

**Sorry about giving you another super short chapter. :P The next one will hopefully be one it was super fun to write though. XD Enjoy!**

Jace was standing on the roof of the institute, ready to jump. A hand grabbed his shoulder. The hand was too big to be Clary's or even Izzy's he turned expecting to see Alec. At first he thought it was Alec, he had the same black hair and blue eyes. But this boys hair wasn't quite as straight as Alec's and his eyes were if anything more blue. More importantly though was the way he carried himself, as if he had never met anyone as good as he was and didn't plan on such an absurd thing ever happening. Something about this reminded Jace of someone but he wasn't quite sure who. Jace started at him.

"Don't be an idiot, I know it's hard but please try." the boy said.

"Excuse me for being a bit shocked that some random guy is standing on the roof with me, while I try to kill myself. Not to mention the fact that you snuck up on me! That my friend is something that has never been done before."

The boy laughed and ran his long thin fingers through his hair.

"If it saves your precious little feelings any dead people tend to be very good at sneaking up on people."

Jace stared at him.

"Though of course I'm sure I could have done it when I was alive without too much trouble."

"I'm sure you couldn't have. Hang on, did you just say you're dead?"

"I believe I said it twice acutely." the boy said, as if it mattered Jace wondered if was how other people felt when talking to him, he was supposed to be the one who messed with people like this. "Now I think about it you only said it once. The second time you implied it."

"Yes but it was such an obvious implication, it hardly counts as an

implication at all."

"Enough of this. Who are you?"

"Will"

"Yes because that clears EVERYTHING up."

"Hmmm you seem to have a point there."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Someone who knows your pain."

"Still not an answer."

Will smirked, "True."

"Fine". Jace sighed "Let's do it this way you answer my questions,with real answers, and I don't kill you."

"You do know you can't kill someone who's dead right? Well I suppose if you're talking about a vampire you could make them more dead...God I wish Jem was here. He's much better with these things then I am."

"Why are you here?"

"It's a dream genesis."

"So does that mean this isn't real?"

"Just because it's in your head why should that make it any less real?" Will wanted to know.

"And now you're quoting Harry Potter... great, just great." Clary had made him watch all 8 Harry Potter movies, even dragging him to the midnight premier of the last one with her and Simon...nerds.

But now he was thinking about Clary and he realized she should be here. She wouldn't have left him willingly and if her mom or Luke had made her go home for a while then Izzy or Alex would have been staying with him.

"This really is a dream."

"Finally." Will grinned.

Jace rolled his eyes, "So why can't I wake up and why are you in my dream?"

The other boy laughed, "I am William Herondale your great great great bla bla bla something or rather."

"The fact that you have no clue how you're even related to me only makes me doubt you more."

"Right, well believe what you will but it's true."

Jace looked at him, it could be true. It wasn't like weirder things hadn't happened to him. He had been brought back to life by the angle after all.

"Fine. If you're telling the truth then why are you here? As far as I know people normally visit their descendants just to annoy the hell out of them. Not that I ever understood that saying... Shouldn't it be good to get the hell out of you? And how did hell get inside you in the first place?"

Will just laughed, "Well obviously we're both enjoying this." Jace realized it was true. "But now on to the matter at hand."

"Which would be what?"

"You need to talk to Clary."

"I told her I would." Jace said wondering how this nut job knew so much about his life, this was dream though so maybe that was all it was...it felt like more then that though.

"Listen to me Jace." Will looked at him finally serious.

"I know how you feel better then anyone else ever can. No don't protest just listen." he added when Jace opened his mouth. "I know what it's like to feel like no one loves you. I also know what it's like to not want to let people love you."

"Do you?" Jace sounded doubtful.

"Yes Jace I do. From the time I was 11 till the time I was almost 18, just your age, I thought I was cursed. A demon told me that anyone who loved me would die. I was a bigger ass than you are. If that's possible. I couldn't let anyone love me. I had to make them hate me. Then I found out the the demon had lied to me. I wasn't cursed he had been too weak to curse me at the time."

Jace looked at the other boy feeling sorry for him but not understanding why he was being told this story.

"Jace you're not cursed. You're not evil. You need help. Don't be an imbisill."

"What happen to you? In the end I mean?"

"This is not a history lesson. You can find my old journals in the library if you want. But everything worked out for the most part. I needed to learn to trust others though and myself. Jace your special. You know that, I know you do. You're so much like I was you can't help but know it. But you need to let Clary and your family help you. If you don't you won't make it. And if you don't make it the world will be in greater danger then you can imagine."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't tell you. But know this, you're related to me-I still don't know how but you are- and you can therefor do anything."

"Right..." Jace was still unsure as to whether or not to believe him.

"When you wake up have Clary go find you the old copy of A Tale Of Two Cities in the library. I always found it to be quite comforting in my times of need."

"Helpful."

"It will be." Will grinned, "Take care Jace Lightwood."

And with that Jace woke up.

A**/N: So what did you think of Will showing up? XD**

**Did I do any better with proof reading? Please let me know. :)**


	8. Chapter 8

A**/N: **

**Okay so this one is definitely longer than the last one. XD it may be a bit boring (I hope not though) but the next one should be more exciting.**

**For anyone who cares Clary's theme song is I'm for you by Toby Mac and Jace's is confessions (what's inside my head) by Red.**

**Also for anyone who cares here is the playlist of songs I listened to while writing this. This chapter was very musically inspired. :)**

**Shadows by Red**

**Never Surrender by Skillet**

**Confessions (What's inside my head) by Red [(This song really helped me write what Jace is feeling) Is that weird?]**

**Hold On by Tobymac**

**Broken Heart by Falling Up**

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

Jace sat up Gasping. Clary whose head had been resting on his chest was startled awake.

"Jace, it's okay. Jace your fine." she said softly.

He looked at her his eyes wide. She gently pulled him back down into the bed, still talking in a soft calming voice despite the fact that she was shaking with fear and shock from the way she had been awoken.

"I'm here Jace".

Jace looked at the small red headed

girl next to him pale and shaking, but taking care of him and wrapped her in his arms holding her tightly to stop her from shaking and just to be as close to her as possible.

"I love you Clary." he whispered trying to make his voice soft and calming the way hers had been.

"Jace." she breathed his name so softly he could hardly hear it. "I love you too."

They were silent for a few moments then Clary spoke up, "Tell me Jace What was is? A dream? Tell me."

He was about to refuse when he thought about what Will had said.

"Okay." he said, "Okay I'll tell you."

He opened his mouth to start then closed it.

"Jace?"

"I don't know how Clary." he whispered his voice filled with shame.

"You don't know how to what?" she whispered back confused.

"To do this, to talk to you." he paused. "It's not that I don't trust you Clary I do. I trust you with my life. But I've never talked to anyone about stuff like this before."

"Stuff like what Jace?"

"Like nightmares, dreams...feelings." he sighed "I know how stupid it must sound but..." he trailed off.

"Jace, just take your time. You don't have to tell me about the dream if you don't want to. But if you do you can. You can tell me anything you know that right?"

He nodded. "I know." then he added and I will. Just give me a minute to sort out my thoughts."

Clary didn't say anything only lay her head back down on his chest and let him play with her hair while he stared off into space, lost in thought.

Finally he said, "Okay I know this will make me sound like an ass but once I start talking, just...don't say anything? I'm afraid that if I start then stop I won't be able to start again."

"Jace anything you need. Anything."

His eyes lit up and he got a wicked grin on his face. For a moment he was Jace as he should be.

"Anything huh?"

"You know what I mean you perv." Clary said trying to sound angry but failing.

Jace laughed, and she couldn't help but laugh to.

Then he quickly got serious again.

Clary stroked his hand, the hand that wasn't running through her hair. "Go on Jace." she whispered.

He took a deep breathe.

"Okay I honestly don't even know why the damn thing had such an effect on me."

Clary didn't say anything, was quite as he had asked her to be. She only squeezed his hand as if to give him strength, it must have worked too because he went on.

He told her about the whole dream not leaving anything out.

"Then he said 'take care Jace Lightwood". And I woke up."

He finished.

Clary didn't know what to say but Jace was shaking and she had to do something. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly till he calmed down a little.

"Why did he call me Jace Lightwood after going on about how we were related?"

"I think he wanted you to know it's ok. That you're a Lightwood I mean."

"Right then what about the rest? Clary I don't... I don't want to save the world! I mean I do but I don't know how! I can't even save myself! I'm an 17 year old boy. A broken 17 year old boy who can't even face his own inner demons! Who just wants to hold you and never let you go! I can't save the whole fricking world!"

"You won't be alone Jace not ever again. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. No matter what happens you can trust me. I'll help you save the world."

Tears were running down her cheeks and she thought his eyes looked slightly wet. She had never seen him cry. She held him tighter and whispered calming words.

"Clary." he said his voice hesitant, "You want to know how I feel? Fine. I'll try to tell you, but I... I don't even know most of the time."

Clary didn't say anything but her eyes told him to go on.

"Its like one moment I'm fine and the next I just lose it. I'm always afraid of what I'll do. I never know what's going to set it off or even what "it" will be. Sometimes I feel like I just want... Clary sometimes I just want to kill people who get on my nerves... I just can't take it! And other times some stupid little thing will set off memories or thoughts that I... I just don't want to think about. It makes it feel like ...like I don't even know how to explain it. Like a flashback only not... But the worst is the numbness. When I know I should be feeling something but I can't. It's terrifying, but I can't feel fear. And that somehow makes it worse. It's like...oh damn it! I don't even know... Like right before...before this.. All I could feel was that I loved you. But even that was... Fuzzy... I never doubted that it was there though not even for a second."

He stopped. Clary was clinging to him for dear life. He carefully pushed her away from him so he could see her face, tears were pouring down her cheeks. He lost it. He began sobbing, trying to apoligse through his tears.

She could just make out what he was saying.

"Im sorry. I shouldnt have said anything. I just ... I can't pretend everything's all right any more! But I should. I know I should."

They were both sobbing now. Each trying to comfort the other.

"Jace." she said once she could talk again. "I love you. Nothing you could ever say or do or feel will ever change that. Do you understand? When you pretend everything's alright, Jace, that hurts me more then anything. I can tell when something's wrong. You can't hide it from me. Jace all I want is to help you. Jace I want you back!"

He just looked at her.

She took a deep breath, leaned forward and kissed him. Gently, comfortingly, slowly he kissed back, first as if he was afraid she might break, then harder. They kissed again and again. It was unlike any other time they kissed, these weren't happy kisses or anything that could be called "happy". They were the kisses of two teenagers who loved each other more then anything in the world and were afraid of losing one another. They were kisses of longing, comfort, love, loss, kisses just to reassure themselves that the other one was still there and still loved them.

Clary notice that Jace's heart was beating much too fast, his breathing was ragged and when she pulled away she saw his face was bright red.

"Jace stop." she said as he tried to pull her back in. "you're going to pass out!"

"Passing out from kissing you doesn't seem all that bad."

She smiled but gently pushed him against the pillows.

"I was supposed to making sure you rest."

"But this is more fun." Jace protested.

"Magnus is coming back later to check on you and if you're in this shape when he gets here I'll be dead several times over."

"Fine but if you're gonna play nurse can you at least put on the little dress?"

She laughed. "Sorry but no way."

"It was worth a try."

She thought back to when Jace had taught her first aid and how to tend to someone who was wounded or sick.

"First I take your vitals right?" she asked him her mind still clouded from their kissing.

"No first you get into bed with me and kiss me some more."

"Nice try." she felt his forehead. "Your kinda hot."

"Only kinda?"

"Not what I meant. Now where it that thermometer?"

"You, my beautiful one are a terrible nurse and its in the draw." Jace smirked, but his voice sounded weak.

She stuck it in his mouth. When she pulled it out her eyes widened a bit but she said nothing.

"Give me your arm." Jace for once did as he was told. She took his pulse just the way he had shown her.

He looked at her, his gold eyes begging her to say something, she felt her own pulse quicken a little, but nothing like what his was.

"Jace." she said trying to sound calm despite her growing panic.

"You will lie flat and still till your heart rate slows down."

He rolled his eyes.

"Jace you know more about this stuff that I do and even I know what I'm saying is right."

"Bu-"

"No, no buts. I should have noticed sooner. If anything happens it will be all my fault. You should have told me to stop!"

"Like I would do that." but he lay flat and still, like she told him too. Knowing she was right, he had done far too much far too soon.

"Breathe deeply and don't talk." she said trying to think what else she could do. "In through your nose out through your mouth. I'll go get you some water. I'll be right back, don't move."

She came back into his room to find that to her relief he was following her orders.

"Here," she helped him to sit up a bit and gave him a drink of ice water. "Small sips, not too much now."

He smiled at her as she helped him lie back down. "I take back what I said about you being a terrible nurse. Your amazing."

She pushed her hair back from her face, "I'd better be I'm the only one here right now."

"Where'd everyone else go?"

Clary took his pulse again. "Better, keep breathing though."

"Clary?"

"Jace no talking."

"What are you keeping from me Clary? This whole talking thing works both ways you know."

She took a deep breath of her own, "I need you to stay still and calm ok? They went out after some demons. They'll be fine Jace."

"But what if they need us?"

"Jace it's not like you'll be much help right now. And I can't nor do I want to leave you."

"But I.."

Clary put her hand over his mouth.

"No, you stay here and you stay quiet. I will not let you move from this bed. Jace I know you told me to never tell a sick person how sick they are but I know you already know. I will not loose you. And if you get worse because of this it will be all my fault. Don't do that to me Jace. Please stay still, for me?"

He look at her and saw the fear in her beautiful green eyes. "Ok."

She sighed in relief.

"I'll be right back." she walked out the door before he could ask where she was going.

She walked down the hall a little then pulled out her phone and called Magnus.

"Hello?"

"Magnus Jace's heart rate is way up and he has a fever." Now that she didn't have to hide her panic from Jace it was clear in her voice.

"Clary stay calm, it's going to be okay. Jace needs you to stay calm. Your not in his room now are you?" he once again felt a wave of sympathy for the little girl.

"No."

"Ok good, I need you to tell me what his vitals are. If it gets to where I can't handle it you're going to have to call the silent brothers."

"But they'll find out everything, tell the clave he's lost it. They'll kick him out! Just because they're too damn stupid to believe that shadowhunters can get depressed!"

"Calm down. Although I do agree about the clave being stupid. Now tell me. What's his pulse and temperature?"

"His pulse was over 200 I brought it down to 180, but he's laying flat now and it's not coming down like it should. His temperature is 107."

"What were you two doing?"

"Uhmmm... Kissing?"

"You must be some kisser to get the poor boy that excited. Don't worry though this would have happened anyway. It's just his body fighting the poison. I'll mix up something to help him fight it and bring it right over. It may take a while to make though. I'll call Alex, tell him to keep Isabelle and and their mother out. Having more people there will just make it worse. He needs quite. Just keep using your little human tricks. Unfortunately Ibuprofen and such doesn't work with demon poisson any more then runes. But shadowhunters can handle higher fevers then normal people. If it's get over 110 he'll probably pass out though...or worse so do what ever you can to get it down. I'll be there as soon as I can. Don't use a sleeping rune on him but try to get him to rest and keep him hydrated."

"And Clary? If he gets delirious will you be able to handle it?"

She was shocked but she knew it was a fair question. She was new at this, not even she really knew what she could handle yet.

"I'll do what I have to. I'm not leaving him."

"I thought you'd say something like that. Call me if anything changes."

"Thanks Magnus." she clicked her phone off and went back into Jace's room.

"Magnus is bringing something to help you fight the poison." she gently brushed the golden hair off his burning hot forehead.

"Why did you have to call him?"

"It was him or the silent brothers but he's going to be a little while so you're stuck with me for now."

"I still wish you'd wear one of those dresses."

"And I wish you were a cooperative patient."

She picked up the ice water. "Drink some more." she helped him to sit up take a few sips and lie back down.

She took his pulse again: 148. Then she took his temperature again it had also come down a bit: 106.

She pulled back the comforter, leaving only the sheet over him so he wouldn't get chills or be overheated. "Keep taking deep breaths. I'll get a cool cloth."

She came back with a small bucket of cool water and a washcloth. She put the cloth in the water wrung it out a bit and began wiping his face with it.

"What's my temperature?"

"Don't worry about it. Please just keep breathing. You're going to be fine."

"Clary." his voice was weak, "If it's over 105 go get ice."

She looked at him, then got up "I'll be right back." She kissed him on his burning forehead and hurried off to get ice.

"I'm glad he knows what he needs ." she muttered as she brought a bag of ice back from the kitchen.

When she got back she remembered what to with the ice - thank God! She didn't want to have to ask Jace.

She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled a few pieces of ice. She put one under each of his arms and had him hold them there with his arms at his sides. If only her mother hadn't stolen her memories! If only she had started learning this stuff she was little like Jace had. She struggled to push these thoughts from her mind- Jace needed her full attention.

"Clary where are the others?"

"Alec's keeping them out till Magnus brings your potion."

"Oh so mom doesn't go nuts?"

"Yes, now shhhh, keep breathing deeply."

She touched his cheek and listened to his breathing for a moment. Then she thought of something.

"Okay let's get your shirt off."

"I can think of many things to say to that."

She rolled her eyes, " I'm sure you can. Now sit up." she once again helped him into a sitting position. She carefully pulled the shirt over his head, and bit back a gasp. His chest was all sweaty- so was his face so she had kinda expected this but it was worse then she had been ready for. Matters weren't helped any by the fact that his chest was all ripped up from the demons. He wasn't bleeding thank GOD, but it was bad.

"Jace." she was fighting to stay calm. "Why didn't you stop me from laying on your chest. It must have hurt like hell."

"Not half as bad as not having you there."

"Jace." she didn't know what to say, so she just gave him some more water while he was sitting up and laid him back down. Then she wet the washcloth and very gently wiped the sweat off him.

"You know girls have been known to be attracted to my sweat."

"Really?"

"Yes, it's like catnip for girls."

She smiled. "While apparently it doesn't work for me." she knew he was trying to distract her from his cuts, and she was touched that he was worried about her, trying to take care of her when he was the one who was too weak to sit up on his own. She did what she always did when she didn't know what to say to him, how to tell him how much he meant to her, she leaned forward and kissed him, gently and just on the forehead but he relaxed a bit under her touch.

"Jace do you need anything?"

"Only you."

She smiled again, "Okay then, I'll just get some colder water and some more towlws and I'll be right back."

When she came back she found the ice under his arm had already melted. She replaced it and put an icy cold cloth on his forehead. Then despite her desire to not look at his wounds she took another cloth got it wet but not dripping and bathed his chest and stomach with the cold water. The cloth on his head quickly lost its coldness and she keep having to rewet it. She also kept wiping his chest and stomach, hoping the coldness would bring his fever down. She stopped every now and then to take his pulse which was slowly coming down or to give his a sip of water or fresh - unmelted- ice.

Every minute that went by without Magnus showing up was like hell for Clary. After half an hour she really started to freak out, but she faked calm for Jace's sake.

Once his pulse down to 120 and his fever to 104 he looked a little more comfortable. It had been an hour since she had called Magnus but she calmed down a little. Then Jace started shivering uncontrollably, she stooped bathing his chest and took away the ice, removing the cool cloth from his forehead. She pulled the sheet over him but he continued to shake. He had told her not to use anything heavier than a sheet when dealing with high fevers, no matter what, but she had to do something.

"I'm cold Clary." Jace mumbled, stating the obvious.

"I know." she didn't know what else to say.

"Keep me warm, lay next next to me?" his teeth were chattering so hard she could barely understand him.

"Okay." she couldn't see any harm in in and if it kept him a little more comfortable then it could only be a good thing.

She lay down next to him under the sheet, it was like lying next to a furnace, but as soon as she lay down Jace's shivering slowed down. She took his pulse, 150 the shivering must have brought it up again.

"Breathe deeply again." she said softly.

"Only if you tell me a story."

"Fair enough, what do you want it to be about?"

"I don't care. What was your favorite story when you were a kid? Tell me that." his voice was so weak it scared her and all she wanted was for him to keep taking deep breaths, so she started telling him The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe.

She was still telling it to him as he lay there half asleep an hour later when Magnus finally arrived.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

**AN: Sorry it's been so long since my last update! =P **

**I got 3 reviews last chapter! XD Why does this make me soooooo happy? THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!**

**If you have any ideas for the story please leave it in a review. Also I love criticism and I'm not getting any :/ (Ok that sounds like an odd complaint even to me but how can I become a better writer if no one will tell me what I'm doing wrong?)**

**Oh and Captain Teacup, I'm glad you liked the kissing. lol**

**Now on to the chapter!**

Magnus had finally arrived and given Jace his potion. He was standing in the hall talking to Clary, Alec and Isabelle who had just gotten back- Mayris was sitting with Jace, who was sleeping and doing a little better already.

"Just make sure you give it to him every 3 hours and he should be fine...Clary?"

The other two looked over at Clary and saw she was leaning against the wall looking exhausted and possibly near tears.

"Clary?" Isabelle put her hand on the smaller girls shoulder. "Earth to Clary."

Clary shook her head, "Sorry guys I'm just tired I guess."

Her phone buzzed, it was a text from Luke. "Lukes here to make me go home..."

"I'll let him in and tell him you'll be right there." Alec said not unkindly heading for the door. " You should go home for a while we'll call if anything changes" he added when she protested.

"Clary are you ok?" Isabelle asked softly.

"I will be when Jace is." she answered softly so only Izzy could hear.

"Clairy was he hallucinating?" Magnus figured that was the most likely explanation for her odd behavior.

"No."

"Come on Clary Luke's waiting for you. I'll help you get your stuff."

Her stuff was in a backpack and they both knew she didn't need help, but Izzy wanted to know what was wrong and she knew Clary wouldn't tell her with Magnus there.

"Okay girl, spill." Isabelle said in a tone that was gentle - for her, but not for anyone else.

Clary looked at the other girl - she was so much stronger then she was, knew so much more about battle and caring for the sick and wounded - and sighed. "I just wish I was better at all this... I mean Jace had to remind me to use ice on him! What kind of shadow hunter doesn't know how to bring down a fever brought on by demon poison?" she sank down on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands.

"Ummm, gee Clary, I don't know maybe one that's known shadowhunters exist for what? Six months?" she put her arm around Clary's shoulder - only slightly awkwardly.

"But... you or Alec could have taken so much better care of him! He could have died and it would have been all my fault! Why did Magnus or any of you think it was a good idea to leave him alone with me! I mean... I'm glad you trusted me but... Why?"

"Well first off having mom there flipping out would have just stressed him out more and you were right to keep him calm the way you did. If you hadn't...well" she shuddered and abandoned that train of thought. "And if Alec or I had come, keeping mom away wouldn't have been possible... Unless we knocked her out...but no, that would only have caused more trouble. Also I have a feeling that if one of us had tried laying next to him to keep him warm he would have killed us no matter how sick he is."

Clary smiled weakly, "True."

Just then Luke appeared at the door.

"Clary you ready to go? I'll drive you back in the morning. You mother is dying to see you."

"Mom can wait." Clary snapped. "I need to see Jace again before I go."

Luke was shocked, Clary never talked to him like that.

She saw the look on his face and immediately felt awful.

"Sorry Luke it's not you I'm mad at. I'll be right there, I just want to check on him really quick, if that's okay?" she gave him a quick hug. He returned hug and told her to take her time, he'd wait in the truck.

When she was gone he looked at Isabelle, "Why is my Clary so upset. I thought Jace was doing better?"

Isabelle noticed the way he said "my Clary" and wondered not the first time why Luke was so much better at being a dad then her father was. It wasn't fair! Luke wasn't even really Clary's dad. But this wasn't about her, it was a about Jace and Clary so she pushed aside these thoughts and answered him.

"When she was watching him the poison really kicked in. High fever, dangerously fast heart rate. Well you were a shadowhunter, you know."

Luke nodded he did know. He also suspected he knew where this was going.

"Well she knew basically what to do and he's stable now, but Jace had to remind her to get ice and he saw her disgust at his wounds and tried to distract her. Basically she feels like worst shadowhunter ever, and she blames her mom... And I don't blame her... if my mom stole my memories...Well I think her mom is lucky Clary's still talking to her."

Luke nodded again. He knew Clary resented her mother, and he couldn't honestly blame her. He knew and understood why she had done what she had, and he thought Clary did too, but she was still upset about it and she had every right to be. He just hoped that she wouldn't confront Jocelyn about it. Not now, it was so close to Jonathan's birthday, and Jocelyn would be even more likely to feel like Clary was being ungrateful.

Alec was sitting with his mother by Jace's bedside when Clary came back. He stood up whispered something to his mother and lead her out when he saw Clary standing by the door.

"Thanks Alec." she said gratefully.

"Sure." he nodded. "I think he's sleeping though so be quite."

She nodded as he closed the door, leaving her alone with Jace. She smiled she was alone with Jace in a bedroom. Her mom's worst nightmare. She walked over and looked at him. He was sound asleep.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad shadowhunter," she whispered, he slept on but she thought she saw him frown, she hoped he wasn't in pain. "I love you Jace Lightwood." she kissed his forehead and he smiled in his sleep. She stood watching him for another minute, then she pulled herself away and went to the truck where Luke was waiting for her, waiting to take her to her mom, aka the last person in the world she wanted to see right now.

Clary was quite on the ride home. Luke didn't try to make her talk, she'd had a hard time the last few days, the last six months really. But she was happy with Jace. The rare times when neither of their lives were in danger, and they weren't fighting to save the world, they were so happy (it made him think of what things could have been like for him and Jocelyn if it hadn't been for Valentine. (But then if not for Valentine there would be no Clary, and looking at the brave, selfless girl next to him he knew he would suffer through the whole thing a million times over rather then not have her). He knew Jace loved Clary he could see it in his eyes when he looked at her - could see what he himself felt for her mother. This was why he trusted Jace with his 'daughter'. But Jocelyn couldn't - wouldn't - see it. He was worried about what she might say to Clary when they got home. About how Jace wasn't worth what she was putting herself through. None of this was Jace's fault Luke knew, but he didn't want to be the stepfather that comes in and makes the mom the bad guy...but she had said when she agreed to marry him that he would be like her father could make rules and what not. Not that she needed more rules she was too old for that. What she needed - what every teenage girl needs- was a parent that would listen to what she wanted. She was an adult whether or not the clave or the law or anything esle agreed with fact (nothing did) she was was beside the point. If he had to talk to Jocelyn about lighting up on Jace he would. But hoped he didn't need to, GOD he hoped he didn't need to!

"Clary!" Jocelyn came running. "Oh sweetie! You should have come home sooner! I missed you so much!"

"You could have come to the institut." she wanted to say more but she bit her tongue.

"Clary you know I don't like going there." Joclyn's tone was warning. "I didn't even like the idea of you spending the night there for the past week."

"Mom! Jace was maybe dying! He NEEDED me!"

"I'm sure he did."

"Mom! Let it go! Can't you see I love him? And he loves me! Mom he's not Valentine. Valentine was MY father NOT Jaces.

"As it happens Clary I know you father is."

"WAS. Lukes my dad now! And Jace's family is the LIGHTWOODS! He's not like Valentine! Do you think I'm like Valentine?"

"Clary enough." Luke didn't yell but his voice was firm, the voice of a pack leader. "Why don't you go to your room now? Just to calm down."

Clary went but not without slamming her door.

Jocelyn fell onto the couch her head in her hands just the way Clary had sat on Izzy's bed.

"Luke?"

"Yes?"

"She never going to stop hating me is she? Never going to trust me again."

He sat next to her pulled her close, "She doesn't hate you. And as for the trust part, well that might take some time. But first you have to trust her. And that means trusting Jace."

"But, if he's just using her! If h-"

"He's not." Luke interrupted.

She looked at him her green eyes wide and full of fear for her daughter.

"How can you know?"

"When he looks and her... I can see the same joy in his eyes I feel when I look at you."

She didn't say anything, she didn't know what to say, so as her daughter had done so many times with Jace, she didn't try to say anything. She just leaned forward and kissed him

When they pulled away they could hear muffled sobs coming from Clary's room.

"Will you go talk to her? Please, Luke?"

"Of course, if you want me to. but don't you think you should talk to her?"

She sighed, "Oh Luke, I don't think that's such a good idea right now. I'm the last person she wants to talk to."

He squeezed her hand and went to get up.

"Luke wait."

Luke waited.

"Tell her when Jace is better she should have him over for dinner...I'd like to get to know him."

Luke smiled, gave her a quick kiss and got up to talk to Clary.

The next day:

Jace was in bed, just laying there. Wide awake. Everyone must have thought he was sleeping. They wouldn't leave him alone when he was awake. They were afraid he would do something stupid. Like he had the strength to "do something stupid" It took all the strength he had to sit up and press play on the cd player Izzy had put by his bed. She had put his favorite CD in it for him so all he had to do was push the button. As the piano music started playing he dropped back down into the bed, breathing hard his heart racing. He heard Clary's voice in his head, "You will lie flat and still till your heart rate comes down." he smiled as he remembered her taking care of him. Her red hair falling in her face as she tried not to panic. He wondered what she was doing. As he thought about Clary he remembered hearing her whispered apology for being a bad shadow hunter. He knew she must be beating herself up about not knowing what to do. She had done wonderfully though. He didn't want to be upset because of him. He knew she and her mom hadn't been getting along too well thanks to him. If killing himself wasn't the answer and he was starting to believe it might not be, not if it hurt Clary this much to see him sick and injured, he needed to come up with something else. He sighed - what could he do...he hated himself even more for putting her through this, but he could see now that his family loved him, and even though he didn't like to admit it even to himself that made him feel better.

As if on cue Isabelle opened the door a crack and seeing that he was wake came in.

"Jace! You should have ask one of us to turn that on for you!"

"Chill Izz I can sit up and lean over."

"But you shouldn't." she put her hands on her hips, "You on not supposed to move at all unless one of us is in here with you to make sure you get the potion if the poison kicks in too much and you know it."

The poisson they had discovered took advantage of anything that would give it more chance of overwhelming his body. It would take time to weaken, time and slowly letting it work its way out of his system by having him become gradually more active, emphases on gradually.

"But I didn't want to bother you."

"I would be bothered by you dying because you're too stupid to ask for help." she said frankly.

She opened the drawer where the thermometer and stuff were currently being kept. She took out the thermometer, blood pressure cuff and notebook they were using to keep track of his vital readings.

"Not again Izzy" he protested.

"Yes again Jacy." she said mimicking his voice.

He laughed, "fine but I sounded nothing like that."

"what ever open up." she shoved the thermometer in his mouth and quickly took his pulse. She took the thermometer out and made a few notes in the notebook.

"Jace breathe deeply, if we can't get your heart rate down without it then I'll to give you more potion. And even if you could the stand the taste of it we still wouldn't want to give it to you more than need be."

He remembered Clary saying the same sort of thing the day before, about laying flat and breathing.

"How's Clary?" he asked.

"Fine, it's you we're all worried about. Now breath."

"I am, if I wasn't I'd be dead."

Isabelle did not find this funny at all, but it was true... She was sooooo glad he was breathing!

"You know what I mean." was all she said as she put the cuff on his arm. His blood pressure was up quite a bit but she wasn't overly worried.

"We'll wait a while then I'll check again, if the readings aren't better you'll have to take the stuff."

Jace made a face. "But I hate it."

"And I hate it when you almost die. So stop it!" she looked just as shocked as he did, she hadn't meant to say that! She was supposed to be keeping him calm! Not yelling at him!

"Izz... I-"

"Jace shhhh. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." she interrupted, her voice cracking, a tear exaping and running down her cheek.

He tried to sit up to hug her but couldn't. This was were he should start punishing himself by not talking to any of them, not Izzy not Alec not his mom and most of all not Clary, but he had promised Clary he would try talking and he knew that meant with other people too, to a point anyway. There were somethings only Clary need ever know, but he needed to talk to Izzy, needed to say something, his little sister needed him. Isabelle, who never needed anyone, needed him.

He tryed again to push himself into a sitting position. This time he got a little higher. "Izz get me pillows. Please." she looked at him, "Jace! Lie down!"

"I want to sit up, pillows, please."

She sighed still fighting to hold back a flood of tears, she piled the pillows behind him then gently guided him back into them.

"Izzy," he said leaning forward and panting a little.

"Jace please lie back down."

"No." he reached out and grabbed her arm. She looked at him wishing he would at least lie back on the pillows.

"Isabelle, I'm sorry."

"Jace..." she couldn't go on, Jace had never apologized to her before, it was too much, she started crying. He tried to pull her closer and she leaned into him. It hurt his chest but he didn't care, Izzy was hurting, Clary was hurting, everyone he cared about was hurting and it was his fault. He had to do something and if all could right now was try to comfort his sister would do it, even if it did hurt like hell.

"Jace" she said as she pulled away from him a moment latter. "You need to rest! Not to be trying to take care of me. I don't need to be taken care of!"

"Maybe everyone does, sometimes... Maybe even you ...maybe even me."

She looked at him. Was this really her brother talking?

"Izz, your my little sister, I want to take care of you. That is...if you want me to be your brother. " Jace watched - half wishing he hadn't said anything- as Isabelle took in what he had said.

She was shocked. He had never referred to her as his sister before.

"Jace of course I want to you to be my brother, but even if I didnt, you are. Nothing could change that. Jace! Don't let me lose another brother!" she hadn't meant to say that, but she had been thinking it for so long that it just burst out.

"Izz, I'm sorry." he didn't know what to say Isabelle never begged anyone for anything, yet here she was begging him not to leave her.

"Don't be sorry! It's not your fault! Just...just promise me you'll never do anything like that again."

"Izz...I don't know-"

"Jace just promise! Please, we'll figure out how to get you help! How to make you better! Just promise you won't let me lose another brother!" she saw he was breathing hard and quickly got out the position, she held it out to him and for once he took it without complaining.

"Now lay down."

He did.

"Now promise."

"I promise."

She relaxed, "Thank you." she breathed. She looked at him, he looked so weak! So variable,

maybe everyone did need to be taken care of sometimes.

"Jace tell me what you need, to make you better."

"I don't know, maybe there's nothing anyone can do."

"You need to talk to someone. I don't know wh-"

"Izz," Jace interrupted. "Clary already gave me this talk. I told her I'd talk to her. It's not that I don't trust you Izz, it's just..."

"I know somethings are not for siblings. Somethings are only for our lovers ears."

He smiled, "Wait, you say that as if you have a "lover". Who is it?" his eyes lite up. This touching moment between the two of them did not by any means mean he was going to stop making fun of her boyfriends.

"Go to sleep Jace."

"Tell me. Is it the blood sucker?"

She blushed! Isabelle actually blushed! "His name is Simon."

He laughed again. "It is! It is the blood sucker!"

She smiled, like Clary she knew that his acting like an ass was a good sign, and his laugh sounded so good after so long of being afraid she would never hear it again.

"Wait till I tell Alec!" his voice sounded stronger and she wondered if he really did gain strengths- from torchering her. For once she didn't really mind, but she suspected his fun would be ruined if she didn't protest at least a little, and the prospect of Jace and Alec knowing, especially once Jace was able to get out of bed... and maybe talk to Simon.

"If you weren't too weak to fight back..." she threatened.

"So you admit it?"

"Well... technically he's not my anything...not yet anyway..."

"He will be though. No guy can resist you."

"True." she hoped he was right.

Jace yawned.

"You need to sleep now."

Jace didn't say anything, he didn't want to sleep.

"Please Jace?" she took his hand, "I'll stay with you till you fall asleep."

He just looked at her, "Like you did for me the other day." she reminded him.

"fine." then he added, "Thanks Izzy."

When he was alone the bad thoughts came back full force, and he didn't really trust himself to be alone anymore then everyone else did.

When he was almost asleep he remembered that he was supposed to have had Clary get him A Tale of Two Cities, they had both forgotten all about it. "Isabelle, can you have Clary come over when I wake up?"

"Of course." she brushed the hair away from his face and gently kissed his forehead. This was the Isabelle no one but her family ever saw, the Isabelle who was loving and caring and scared. She would not lose her brother.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: I think we'er getting to the end of the story, unless anyone has any suggestions or I think of something super amazing, I'm thinking there will about 5 more chapters but I really don't know since I never wrote an outline for this and I'm just writing and then posting it as I think of it. What do you think? Should I wrap it up or keep going?

Jace's "theme song" is Open Wounds by Skillet.

And thank you to thePOWERofGENIUS for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

Clary's phone rang, she rolled over to answer it-her mom had said she needed to sleep before going back to the institut and she seemed to have been right about that at lest, it was noon and Clary felt like she could sleep another year- once she answered the phone though she was wide awake. It was Isabelle, she said Jace had just fallen asleep but he wanted her there when he woke up.

"I would have thought you'd have been here by now." she added.

"Yea...well my mom had other ideas." Clary said bitterly. "But I'll be there." she added, in tone that made Isabelle pity anyone that might try to stop her.

They said goodbye and Clary hung up.

She walked out into the living room, hoping that her mom was out and she could just tell Luke where she was going. Or better yet they were both out and she could just leave a note.

No such luck.

"I'm going to the institute." she announced.

"Did something happen?" Luke wanted to know.

"No, I don't think so anyway. Isabelle called, she said Jace wanted to see me."

"Hang on I'll drive you." Luke got up and went into the other room, leaving to her alone with her mother.

"Clary."

"Mom?" she wanted to tell her mother that she was going no matter what. That there was no way she could stop her, but she didn't want to start another fight, so she waited to hear what she had to say.

"Clary, I'm sorry" she paused, "I understand why you had to stay with Jace. I would be the same with Luke. If Jace makes you happy then fine, I won't give you hard time about it anymore. In fact I'd like to get to know him."

Clary didn't know what to say to this, when Luke had told her her mother had said this she hadn't believed it, and hearing it from her own mouth only made it weirder.

"Right, well... Ummm, I'll tell him he's invited to dinner as soon as he's well enough?"

"Perfect."

To Clary's great relief Luke walked in, "Ready to go?"

"Yea, but you really don't have to drive me."

"But Im going to anyway."

"Thanks." she jumped up grabbed her purse and ran out to wait by the truck.

Jade was sleeping fitfully when Alec came in to see if he was wake -He had heard Izzy run sobbing to her room once Jace was asleep, she had held the worst of her tears in as long as she could and needed to be alone to let them out. When Alec had checked on her she had started throwing things at him and he decided that maybe checking on Jace who was -hopefully- too weak to throw things might be safer.

Jace was mumbling in his sleep, thrashing about, Alec knew he needed to sleep but he was afraid Jace might hurt himself if he didn't lie still.

"Hey there." Alex said timidly, carefully putting a hand on his shoulder. Jace was the strongest person he knew and seeing him like this killed. When he touched him Jace made a sound like he was being hurt and cringed away from Alec's hand.

"Jace, it's me, it's ok."

Jace didn't respond, only curled up and started whimpering. Alec really didn't know what do and he hopped Clary got there soon. Then Jace screamed. It was the worst sound Alec had heard in his life and given some of the music Izzy listened to that really was saying something.

Isabelle came running.

"Jace what's wrong?"

"Iz shhh," Alec was panicking but he knew someone had to take charge and he also knew that someone wasn't going to be his sister who still had tears running down her face.

"I think it's like a night terror or something"

Isabelle just nodded, she knew what that meant but not what to do about it. Max used to have night terrors sometimes, but their mother had always been the one to calm him. Or Jace she could see Jace holding the little boy - when their parents were out of the country like they so often were- whispering calming words as he thrashed about, dreaming, but truly believing what ever he was seeing was real. She and Alec had never been able to calm him like Jace could, and had been pretty creeped out by the whole thing. So Jace had taken care of Max by himself and now they had no clue what to do for Jace.

Isabelle walked closer to Jace but Alec held her back.

"Is it like sleep walking or are we allowed to wake him up?"

"Alec the only one here who might know that is Jace. And you know it." she snapped. "Sorry" she added as she saw the hurt on his face. "I just wish I knew what to do."

He nodded he felt the same way, but fighting wasn't going to get them anywhere, Jace needed them to focus.

They decided that what ever the general rules might be they needed to wake him up. He was thrashing around and he really wasn't supposed to be moving around at all. They tried talking to him but he wouldn't wake up no matter what they did.

Isabelle heard the front door open, and knew it must be Clary- their mother wouldn't be back from the clave meeting in Idrus yet.

Jace started yelling in his sleep as if he was in pain.

Alec tried again to wake him up but couldn't.

Clary heard him yelling and came running.

"Jace!" she gasped as she ran in. "Jace? Jace?"

"He can't hear you." Alec's voice cracked. "I don't think he can anyway."

"What's wrong with him?" her voice was barely a whisper.

"Night terrors." Isabelle's voice sounded weak also. "At least that's what we think it is. If we can't get him calmed down soon, we'll have to call the silent brothers." Alec added.

Clary thought for a moment then pulled out her phone. "I used to have night terrors sometimes when I was little. Maybe my mom will know what do."

"Mom, it's me. Jace is having night terrors, we think. He's thrashing around and screaming. Alec said they can't wake him up and we can't call the silent brothers, mom we just can't!"

"Clary stay calm, you won't have to call the silent brothers. Restrain him as gently as you can but keep him still so he can't hurt himself and talk soothingly to him. If you can get him to calm down while he's still asleep then let him sleep, but right now keep trying to wake him up."

"Thanks mom."

"And Clary? I think everything he's been thought lately brought this on. Hes probably seeing things that have happened or things he's afraid might happen. After he wakes up try to get the others to leave the room. After I left Valentine, after well you know, I suffered from night terrors, Luke was the only one I would talk to - as just friends at the time but..."

Clary knew that this had to be hard for her mother to say, "Thanks mom." she said gratefully and hung up. She quickly told Izzy and Alec what her mom had said - the first part anyway.

They just looked at her, she realized that Jace was the one who always took charge and they seemed to be waiting for her to tell them what to do in his absence - Isabelle must have been really upset to be this willing to take orders.

"Ok, you two hold down his arms, ok?" she wasn't sure if they would do she said but they did.

Jace started screaming more as they held him down but they had no choice but to keep holding him. He couldn't be allowed to hurt himself further.

Clary looked at Jace, her Jace, and her heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. She brushed the hair off his forehead. As she touched him he seemed to calm down a little, if only for a moment and she wondered if she had imagined it.

"Clary I think that helped." Alec said softly and Isabelle nodded. So she hadn't imagined it!

"Jace, Jace can you hear me? Its me. Its Clary."

"Nooo!" he screamed, "Clary! Nooooo!"

She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of his bed. "Jace, I'm right here." she tryed to keep her voice calm. "Jace wake up now."

He was still making whimpering sounds and Clary thought that this might might be harder to listen to then the screaming. He seemed to have stopped fighting Isabelle and Alec.

Alec saw Clary was shaking, "Your doing good Clary. When we were talking to him he didn't respond at all."

She looked over at him and managed a small, weak but very real smile at him, Alec didn't talk much and she knew he didn't waste his words on things he didn't mean. She turned back to Jace. "Jace it's ok, you're ok. You're dreaming. Wake up, please wake up."

He curled back up into a ball and started sobbing. Clary knew he wouldn't want anyone to see him like this. Alec and Isabelle seemed to be thinking the same thing. They no longer needed to hold him down, so they stepped back a little.

"Izzy and I will go wait in the hall, ok?" Alec suspected that Clary wanted to pull Jace into to her arms and just hold him till he woke up, that's what he would want to do where it Magnus (Or Jace a few month ago) and he thought it might help Jace, he seemed respond to just the lightest touch from her, despite the fact that he hadn't responded at all the him and Izzy practically yelling at him.

"Okay."

Once they left she took a deep breath, now what? "Jace it's me, you have to wake up." he kept crying, and she heard him say "Dad, stop it!"

He must be dreaming about when he was a little kid, growing up with Valentine, she had to bring him back to now. But how.

"Jace it's Clary, I'm going to lay next to you okay?" it felt like she should tell him what she was going to do before she did it but she wasn't sure why.

Isabelle had somehow managed to get him to swallow a dose of the potion but she still wished he would lie still. He was overexerting himself and that could be very dangerous.

She layed down next to him, he was curled up in a shivering, sobbing ball on his side so she curled up around him, pressing herself against his back, arms wrapped around him. She whispered calming words in his ear, the same things over and over, finally he turned his to look at at her, "Clary?" he whispered, his perfect golden eyes wide and dark with fear and confusion.

"Jace." she breathed his name in relief.

"W-what-h-appened?" his voice was shaky from crying and his words seemed to blend together but he didn't really remember having been crying. Before all this he hadn't cried since he was little. Then he remembered, being yelled at for crying, for being weak, for loving, being beaten for these things. He curled back into a ball. All the memories were flooding his brain, Valentine's death, both of his deaths, his own death, his feelings of grief and confusion when he had first come here, first seen how a somewhat functional family behaved, how Alec and Isabelle had never been beaten, never been taught to love is to destroy. And so many more memories, it felt like his head would explode. Everything that he had pushed down for so long, it was all bubbling up and there nothing he could do to make it felt like he was drowning, being pulled under by an invisible something that wanted to destroy him. The only thing that kept him even vaguely aware of reality Clary, holding him, whispering to him, trying to bring him back, trying to save him.

AN: This soooo short! It seemed longer as I was writing it. :/ Do you peoples like short or long chapters better?

P.S. The author's notes are going to be random colors from now on because it's cool. =D


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: so didn't like my idea of using colors for the authors notes and changed it all to black. :P this seems extremely unfair if you ask me cuz let's face it, who doesn't love rainbow colored things?**

**Ok so finding theme songs for everyone is getting harder as the story goes on but I thought I'd try again**

**Clary, Izzy, and Alec - Hurt by TFK (thousand foot krutch)**

**Jace - Never Surrender by Skillet and Human by Manafest **

**Also I just started a new story called "Wake Me When It's Over" It's AU no shadowhunters, Clary's living with her father. You should check it out! XD**

Clary didn't know what to do. She could tell he was awake but he didn't seem able to function at all. He was almost completely lost in his own memories. She held him tighter and kept talking to him. Hoping that if he could hear and feel her maybe that could bring him back, remind him what was real.

Alec opened the door, "Clary I called Magnus he said he looked into it and this is in part the fault of the poison. It feeds of any fear or weakness it can find. It seems to be taking his past and using it against him, which wouldn't be that hard to do. All we can do is try to remind him what's real." he saw how she was curled around Jace and nodded, "I think you have the right idea." he saw the fear on her face, "do you want one of us to come back in?"

"No, I think I'll be ok."

He nodded, "We're in the hallway."

Jace hadn't really heard any of that, he had only heard the distant sound of their voices, unable though he was to tell what they were saying he could tell they were worried. He wanted to comfort Clary but he kept seeing Valentine killing his falcon over and over, and sometimes it wasn't the falcon, sometimes it was Clary. He whimpered again, and Clary held him tighter. So tight it hurt, the pain helped him focus he could now hear Clary, feel her holding him.

He quickly forced himself upright, he grabbed Clary and pulled her into his arms, holding her so tight it terrified her. She knew Jace would never hurt her but she had to wonder how much control he had over his own body right now.

"Jace?"

"Clary." thats what he tried to say anyway, it came out as more of a squeak. He was fighting with everything he had not to give into the wave of memories again.

"Jace what can I do?"

Jace tried to answer but couldn't. He felt like if he made a sound it would shatter the little bit of sanity he was clinging to.

She saw him struggling, "Don't answer if you can't."

He managed to roll his eyes and gently stroke her hair. His message was clear, 'I love you but that's stupidest thing ever said'.

She nodded, "Okay bad wording noted, but you know what I meant right?"

He nodded.

"okay then, take your time, I can wait all day and then some. Do you need anything?"

His grip on her had loosened a bit but he involuntarily tightened it as his tried once again to speak. This time he managed to get out the words, "Just-hold-you...Please?"

"Of course, for as long as you need to."

He nodded and relaxed his hold on her again.

Neither of them knew how long they sat there for, Jace leaning against the headboard, Clary leaning against him. He was no longer holding her quite as tightly but every now and then he would make a whimpering sound, tighten his grip on her and hide his face in her hair or shoulder. Mostly he just ran his hands up and down her arms and though her hair or gently stroked her face. It was as if he needed to be touching her to convince himself that she was what was real, not whatever it was he was seeing in his mind.

After a long time he said "Clary? What's. Wrong. With. Me?" Each word was separate from the others and it was clearly a huge effort for him to talk at all.

She turned in his arms and felt him tense when he thought she was trying to get up - get away - but she only repositioned herself so she could put her head on his shoulder and press her face against his neck. She inhaled the scent of him, he smelled like Jace, this broken boy really was her Jace, she would bring him back.

"Jace, there's nothing wrong with you. It's the poison. It takes your worst memories and fears and uses them."

Jace nodded. "You kept dying." what exactly did you say to that?

"I'm here Jace, I'm fine. You're fine. I won't leave you."

"You. have. to." he said trying to sound like he meant it. He wanted more then anything for her to stay but it just wasn't safe.

"Get. Out." he said when she sat there.

"What? Why? No!" She was shocked to hear him telling her to get out after the way he had been holding on to her for dear life. "I can't leave you alone."

"Get out please Clary. I'm about to completely lose it. I can tell. I don't want you to see that. I don't know what I'll do. If I hurt you...get Alec he can stay with me. Please Clary?"

His voice sounded stronger and his words were less broken apart. She didn't want to leave him but he was begging her to get out and she couldn't bare to upset him more. "I'll go get Alec and Izzy."

"Not Izzy. Just Alec."

"Please let me stay." she couldn't help it, she had to at least ask.

"NO now go get Alec NOW!" he shouted in a panic, Clary would not be there when he lost all control, he couldn't stand yelling at her or sending her away, but he knew he was doing the right thing - although if anyone ever said that knowing you're doing the right thing made it easier to do,they were lying.

She got up kissed his forehead and ran out into the hallway where Alex and Isabelle were waiting just like they said they would be. They were sitting on the floor, Alec had his arm around his sister and seemed to be holding her still. Clary noticed that there were random weapons strewn across the hall. Izzy must have been trying without any luck to take her mind off what was happening in her other brother's bedroom. She guessed Alec had at some forced her to sit down.

"Alec he wants you."

They both jumped up.

"He said just Alec...he said doesn't want me or you in there, said he's going to lose it again, only worse. He doesn't know what he'll do and doesn't want us to see it...and he's afraid he might hurt me."

Alec was halfway to the door before Clary finished talking.

"Izz we have to do what he says. Making him more upset won't help anything. Clary he's not afraid he'll hurt you because you're a bad shadowhunter, your not. He loves you more then anything and if he hurt you I think it would literally kill him." he looked at the two determined girls and added, "Stay out. I'll text if anything changes or he wants you. Go train or go do something in Izzy's room. Don't just wait here. It will only make it harder on yourselfs."

Isabelle kicked the wall. "He thinks he's the older brother of everyone, I swear!" she wasn't really mad at Alec she was terrified and the easiest way to cover it up at the moment seemed to be complaining about Alec.

Clary didn't mind Alec, it was sorta nice to have him looking out for her right now-not that she couldn't take care of herself, but it was nice that he no longer hated her, she thought they might acutely be friends now. Also she had always wished for an older brother, and having Alec act like one was much nicer than the one she had recently found out she did have.

"Hey there." Alec said as he closed the door behind him. They heard Izzy kick the wall. Jace managed to sit up a little.

"Hey yourself." his voice was still weak and he paused between words. "Izz not happy about being left out of the party huh?"

"You know our sister." Alec didn't really know what to do or say. But he knew Jace couldn't be left alone, and he had ask for him. "I-I'm sorry Jace. I should have helped you before...this."

"Shut the hell up Alec! You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who should be and is sorry. And don't you dare say I don't have anything to be sorry for! Where have all you people been while I was here treating you like shit?"

"Jace..." Alec started but didn't know what to say.

"No stop, if I get through this I'm going to stop being such an ass all the time. Now tell me, am I going to get through this?"

Alec was trying to find his voice when Jace spoke again.

"Alec please tell me the truth and quickly. I can feel my hold on reality slipping. It can't last much longer."

"Yes Jace, you can make it through this. I won't lie it's not going to be easy though." he grabbed Jace's hand and Jace squeezed back harder then Alec would have thought he could.

"Swear it on the angle Alec, I have to know your telling me the truth.

Alec swore it on the angle.

"Now what?" Jace asked, his gold eyes fixed on Alec's blue ones and Alec wanted nothing more then to give his brother the easy way out, but he knew he had to give him the choice.

"I can put you to sleep with a rune, in which case you can rest and sleep without dreams. Or...or I can give you the potion again and we can let more of the poison work it's way out of your system. I have to warn you though the potion won't help with the hallucinations or memories or anything like that. It only keeps you vitals steady."

"The second one."

Alec nodded, "I thought so."

Jace managed a small smile, "What sort of shadowhunter would I be if I knew when to quit?"

Alec rolled his eyes, "A smart one?"

Jace actually smirked at that, "Really Alec? I would have thought you'd know me better then that by now."

Then he tensed, "The potion Alec, now."

Alec nodded, he knew arguing would get him nowhere, which was part of the reason Jace wanted him here and not Clary or Isabelle, they were both too stubborn to be able to see that sometimes you had to give in without a fight. Also he could see why Jace was choosing this, and as hard as it would be to watch he knew he would choose the same and Jace would be there for him were their positions switched. He quickly gave Jace the potion.

"Alec I can't fight it much longer."

"Then don't. I'll be right here no matter what. And if it goes on for too long or gets to bad I'll use a sleeping rune on you okay?"

"Don't use it unless you have too."

"Of course."

"Alec?" his eyes were starting to glaze over and Alec could see him slipping away. "Be here when I wake up? Not Clary?" his words jumbled together but Alec nodded. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"Thanks."

Alec took his hand and held onto it. "This way you'll know I'm here." his voice cracked.

"Thank you." Jace said again, then he slipped back into his mind. But a part of him seemed to know his brother and paranobie **(A:N you know what I mean, I know you do, if you know to spell it please tell me) **was there, when he screamed he would squeeze Alec's hand as if for comfort, Alec sat there watching his brother suffer wishing he could end it, knowing he could, for the time being at least, but knowing also that the longer the stuff stayed in his system the higher the chance of it leaving a permanent effect. But the main thing that kept him from using the ruin was that Jace trusted him to do as he had asked. Jace expected him to be strong enough for this and he had to be, so many people thought he wasn't strong enough to be a shadowhunter, was weak and useless, but not Jace, Jace was always the first to stand up for him, and beat people if they said anything bad about him-even if Alec wished he wouldn't. Jace had faith in him when almost no one else in the world did and he couldn't let him down.

Suddenly Jace jumped up and walked quickly to the window - much more quickly then he should have been able to in his current state. Alec knew something was terribly wrong. This was a suicide attempt! "Jace no!"

Alec had been on the opposite side of the bed from the window and it took a moment for him to process what was happening. Jace had the window open and was climbing onto the window sill ready to jump by the time Alec got to him. He grabbed him around his waist and pulled him back.

"Jace, it's Alec, don't do this, you don't want this."

"I do! Alec I do!"

Alec didn't know what to do. I wished the girls were still in the hallway so him could ask them for help, but even if they were - he wouldn't put it past the two of them to have disobeyed him - Jace had asked him to keep them out and he would. Unless he found there was no way he could deal with this he would not bring them in. "Okay Jace, everything is going to be okay, just trust me. Can you do that?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**AN: Okay so this the shortest chapter I've ever written but its setting up the next and I couldn't leave it out, the story would be missing something without it.**

Jace stared at him as if trying to remember something. After a few moments he seemed to make up his mind about something, "Yes, I trust you."

Alec breathed again, he hadn't even known he was holding his breath.

"Okay then, everything is going to be okay. Why don't you get back in bed, alright?"

Jace was now unusually obedient, he walk back to his bed and lay down.

Alec wasnt sure how much of the attempted suicide was brought on by the poison and how much was Jace. He knew it had to be a least a little bit Jace. The poison played off of emotions that were already there, it couldn't just make them up out of thin air, with other people this might have been a good thing, but with Jace, right now of all times it might have been better if it was just making things up, he might have been able to fight them, but if dying was something he thought about on his own, something a part of him wanted...At any rate the poison must have used up quite a bit of itself for this. But how much or how much was left he had no way of knowing. He did know that putting Jace through anything else just now was far from a good idea and the soon Jace slept the better.

"I'm going to use a sleeping rune on you okay?" his mind needed to rest.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Alec, l want Clary... I shouldn't...but I do. I can't hurt her, if I do..."

"I know Jace, I know. It would kill you, it's the same with Magnus, for me I mean..." he was bad at this! Jace was the one who was good at talking to people, not him! He didn't talk unless he had to. Well he had to now so he better suck it up and do his best. He liked to have a plan but he didn't, oh well he would have to make this up as he went along. He hoped it worked, it had to work!

"Shes a shadowhunter Jace, she loves like a shadowhunter, with her whole self. If you die it would kill her, just like losing her would kill you, all she wants is to help you." he was just saying what ever words popped into his mouth, praying they were the right ones. "She loves you Jace, she's a shadowhunter whether or not her mother wants her to be and she loves like a shadow hunter. With her whole self. So do you. And you shouldn't try to hide that or punish yourself by staying away from her, you need her Jace. But its more then that, she needs you, you might be trying to protect her but you're hurting her." shit he was bad at this!

Jace only stared at him. He seemed to be slipping away again. He had to to bring him back.

Jace was remembering Will, what Alec was saying was kinda the same. He needed Clary he wouldn't hurt her by being with her.

"How is she?"

"Scarred. She's a strong little thing though."

Jace smiled sadly,"I know."

"She needs to be with you though and you need let her. You're both tearing your selfs apart. She thinks if she was a better shadowhunter you would let her be with you, let her save you. Jace I know you dont want ot hear this but you need to be saved. She can take care of herself Jace and you too, that's what couples do, they take care of each other."

"Put me to sleep,it's trying to take over again. I can't see her now, but when i wake up...Ask her if she can be here when I wake up?"

"She will be." He could tell that Jace was a the very edge of sanity. He pulled out his stele and quickly gave his brother a sleeping rune.

"Thank you Alec." he got out before sleep overcame him.

As Jace fell asleep the only thing he could think about was Clary.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 **

**AN: I was looking at the older chapters and WOW I got a lot better at proof reading...lol just FYI I'm going back and fixing all that. Also if you see and any stupid spelling mistakes or what not PLEASE point them out! Oh and tell me what you think of the story thus far! **

Jace opened his eyes, the sun was setting and the room was dim with pinkish light still pouring through the window, the window he had tried to jump head first out of. He turned his head to find Clary sitting on the edge of the bed. He realized she was holding his hand running her thumb back and forth over back of his hand.

"Clary."

"Hush, you shouldn't be talking."

"I'm sorry."

"Jace... You have noth-" that was as far as she got.

"Stop it! You people keep saying that! It's not true!"

"Jace please, please stay calm."

He looked as her, she was on the verge of tears again. This was too much for her, he should never have let Alec let her in. As much as a part of him said he shouldn't, he couldn't help himself, he sat up, as hard as it was, and pulled her toward himself. As soon as she was in his arms he could think clearly again. The poison was using her against him. It was using how much he needed her, how much he didn't want to hurt her, how much he loved her. It made him keep her away, hurt her both by pushing her away or letting her be near. She was the only thing that made it better, the only thing would get him through this, but the poison was making him push her away, making itself more likely to win. He could see this now. But it still wasn't fair to Clary. All this flashed through his mind in a matter of seconds.

"Clary listen." he quickly explained as best he could, it didn't really make all that much sense the way he said it. He was still barely sane, and his voice kept breaking. But Clary knew what he was saying.

"Hush, I know Jace. I know."

"Y-you do?"

"Well I thought something like this was happening, but it doesn't matter Jace, I'm not leaving your side. Not till you're better. I promise."

"But Clary. You can't. It's not fair to you.. I can't ask you-"

She cut him off by softly pressing her lips to his.

"You're not asking. You don't have a choice."

"You know you can't always just shut me up with a kiss."

"I beg to differ." she kissed him again.

"However, right now shutting up is the last thing you need to be doing. Jace, when you dreaming or what ever you kept talking about...well about him."

He tensed. "Clary-"

"No Jace I know those are things that bother you all the time. Not just right now. Not just because of the poison. I'm right aren't I? The truth Jace."

He didn't say anything.

She leaned back so she could look into his eyes.

"Your right."

She held him tightly forgetting about his wounds.

He also forgot about the wounds, someone was asking him to talk about his past, not just someone, Clary, this made it both better and worse.

She didn't know what else to do. So she simply held him, hoping she was somehow helping him, giving the strength he needed. She was.

"I don't, I, what, what do you want me to say?"

"What ever you want, no want is the wrong word, need, what ever you need to say." she corrected herself.

His golden eyes paled and widened, he was terrified, but...a part of him wanted to talk, wanted Clary to know what he'd been through, he didn't want her pity, he just wanted her to understand. He know he could be an ass whole and she needed to understand why he was the way he was.

"I love you, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'll never have to find out."

He stroked her face with his thumb.

"Thank you."

She kissed him again.

"Where should I start?"

"The beginning tends to be a good place for such things."

"Right, the beginning..." he took a deep breath. "This will take a while."

"I'm not going anywhere any way.". She pulled him down into the bed, he needed to be lying down, and snuggling might do him some good right about now, his hands were shaking and he was so pale she was worried he would pass out.

"However we might as well get comfortable." she added by way of explanation.

Jace didn't argue. He wrapped his arms around her and smiled sadly as she snuggled up to him.

He closed his eyes and let the images began to play through his mind, this wasn't the poison making him see things, this was just what he had to push away on a regular basis.

His heart began beating faster, again not from the poison, just from the awfulness of the memories.

"Okay, the first real memory of my father is when I was 4.

He could see himself, tiny and adorable ( well that part hadn't changed) running into his father's study. Wanting his dad to go outside with him.

"Daddy! Daddy!"

"Jonathan, what have I told you about interrupting me while I'm working."

"It's bad daddy."

"Thats right, so why were you doing it?" his voice was strict and Jace remembered being afraid, but not knowing why really, daddy was scary sometimes, but he would never hurt him. He had looked at Valentine his eyes wide and trusting and said. "Because daddy I want you to play with me please."

"And that's why you broke the rules? You wanted to play? Jonathan someday you will get killed if you break the rules simply because you want to."

"What's killed daddy?"

Valentine had then explained not at all gently what death was. He had talked about heaven and hell and how Jace would go there if he kept being bad. Jace was only 4 and although he was highly intelligent for his age he didn't really understand. He did understand that daddy said he was going to go to the bad place. He began to cry, Valentine considering this to be a sign of weakness got even angrier. He began tell Jace more about hell, about how it was bad, and crying was very bad, he would have to live in fire forever and ever.

Jace however being a 4 year old thought living in fire would be fun.

"Daddy I like fire, it's pretty, I want to live in it."

Valentine got really angry at this.

"Jonathan, you want to live in fire? I'll give you a taste of what that would be like and we'll see if you still want to."

Jace just stood there, he knew daddy was angry but why? He didn't do anything! Looking back on it now though Jace wondered if maybe he had been in the wrong, maybe his father,no not his father, Clary's father, Valentine, maybe Valentine had been right to punish him.

He reached into the desk draw, Jace saw him pull out a match.

"Take off your shirt Jonathan." his voice was cold, and Jace remembered realizing something bad was going to happen. He took his shirt off as Valentine lit the match.

"Turn around." Jace did as he was told, a horrible burning sanitation made him cry out, he was only 4 but he knew he ought to stay quiet. His"daddy" moved the match over his back making him scream some more. When the match went out Jace fell to the floor sobbing Valentine picked him up scolded him for having cried out in his pain, told him that it was weak, Jace felt horrible. He didn't mind the pain in his back he knew he had been a bad boy, but he was upset that his "daddy" was disappointed in him.

As he finished he came back to himself, as he been telling it was like he was living it all over again. He could still feel the biting burn of the match even after 13 years. Tears were threatening to fall but he stoped them. It was weak to cry. Clary had her head buried in his shoulder, tears were streaming down her face.

"I'm so so sorry Jace."

"Clary I don't want you to feel sorry for me." his voice cracked.

" Oh Jace! I didn't know he was so horrible even when you were little. He was my father it should have been me!"

"No! Don't say that! Not ever, I would do all over a million times if it kept you away from him. Any way your better then me, I deserved it sometimes."

Clary had heard that children who had been abused often thought they deserved it, and when the abuse stop they sometimes began to abuse themselves, even older teens like Jace who should know better, it was like they had been told they were useless so many times they believed it.

"Jace no, your a good person! I know you, sometimes better then you know yourself! Don't do this to yourself, everything he said was wrong, he was wrong about the way to better the clave he was wrong about everything! He told Luke to kill himself! Was he right about that?"

Jace didn't say anything.

"Was he Jace?"

"Of course not! But..."

"No Jace, buts. He was wrong about Luke, he was wrong about you. You're the strongest, bravest, most amazing person I know! You're not weak, it's okay to love, to show emotion, to cry."

On the last word Jace lost it, he began to sob, Clary held him while he cried. At first he felt awkward and ashamed, but as she held him whispering quietly and calmingly he just let it all out, all the fear, the shame, everything he had held in for as long as he could remember.

**AN: Okay so as requested Jace is getting better! =D I can stop hating myself for putting him through this! Lol Did you guys like the flash back? Do you think I should write more about Jace's childhood? Please let me know. I want to write what you want to read. So please, review review review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: When Jace says "when I feel numb I'll let you know." I stole that from a song. "The art of breaking" By Thousand Foot Krutch. **

His crying slowed down after awhile, once he was able to speak, he looked at Clary, she was crying also.

"Clary" that was all could say for the time being, but it was enough.

"Jace" she answered, kissing the tears still pouring down his face.

"Clary, stay with me?"

"Duh." she responded, leaning over him and gently kissing him again.

"This is how is gonna be, I'm gonna stay here till you're better. Then once you're strong enough you're coming over to my house for dinner, okay? My mom said she wants to get to know you."

Making plans for when he was better made it seem like he really would get better, it made it a reality rather than just an impossible dream.

"Really?"

"Really."

She took his hand in hers, "Jace, listen to me, I know it must have been hard to tell me that about, about him" Neither them knew what to call him so "him" seemed to be what they going with. "But did it help?"

It had, it didn't make sense, but her horror at the story had helped him to believe that he hadn't deserved it...maybe.

He nodded, "I-I've always wondered if I deserved to be treated like that... If I deserved the pain...I felt like I needed the pain..." what was he doing? He couldn't tell her this, he just couldn't! He had to stop! He was a man, men didn't talk about their problems, but...

"Jace, did you-" her voice broke, "do you cut?"

He went numb, he looked her, he had to tell the truth, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words. He took her hand in his and ran her finger over some of the scars on his arms then he moved her hand, he managed to sit up and take his shirt off, she didn't say anything, didn't try to stop him, only sat there, looking at him with love and worry, her heart breaking. He leaned back against the bed, he pulled her to him and took hand again, he ran it over scars on his stomach and chest.

"Oh Jace" she breathed in horror, she was proud of him for telling her though, he was so proud, so determined to act okay no matter what, it had to be hard for him to admit he had a problem. It had to be hard for anyone.

"Under the bed." he said

She looked under the bed and found the box.

"This?"

He nodded and held his hand out for it. Slowly she handed it to him, slowly he opened it and slowly he took the knife out, then suddenly he was dragging it across his arm, blood was already flowing by the time Clary relized what had happened.

"Jace!" she grabbed the knife from his hand and tossed it on the floor, far out of his reach.

"What the hell was that?"

"Clary, I don't, I don't know, I just..."

"Jace why? Why would you do this to yourself?"

He thought about weather or not he should answer, he decided at this point, if she hadn't run away yet not much could scare her off.

"I need the pain Clary, I deserve it, and... I... It helps me know I'm alive... I mean... Sometimes I just feel so... Numb..."

"Like now?" she asked quietly.

He nodded.

She ran her hands over his bear chest - the wounds had began to heal thanks to the poison weakening and allowing runes to take effect- he shivered at her touch. She kissed him not gently but with as much pastion as she could, trying to get him to feel something.

"Did you feel that?"

He nodded.

"Better then cutting?"

"Mmhmm" he mumbled

She kissed him again, "Then no more cutting, okay?"

"So you're just gonna be here all the time to make out with me so I don't feel numb?"

"No, but you can always call me, if you need to talk, and I don't live that far away, if need be I can be here in 10, for an emergency make out section."

He smiled, "When I feel numb I'll let you know."

"How about right now?" she needed some fun right about now and he probably needed it more then she did.

"You sure you're not just doing this because you feel like you have to?"

"Positive, I kind of feel like I'm taking advantage of you actually."

He managed a smirk, "well then, I like the sound of that."

There was a knock on the door and it opened, "You two okay in here?" it was Alec. Then he saw the knife on the floor, wet with blood and Jace's arm, and Clary's shirt, neither of them had noticed it but she was kind of covered in blood.

"It's okay Alec." Jace said softly.

Alec didn't look convinced. He glanced over at Clary looking for confirmation one way or the other.

She didn't know what to tell him,"I think we have it under control".

Alec just nodded. "Do you need anything?"

"Stuff to clean him up?" she still didn't like blood but she was getting used to it, and it was after all for Jace.

"No Clary, you go clean up, borrow something from Izzy. Alec can help me. Right? They both looked at Alec who nodded.

"Are you sure?" Clary asked not really sure who sure was asking.

"Yes." both boys said at the same time.

"Five minutes." she kissed Jace's cheek and whispered so only he could hear, "Be ready." He smirked.

"Thanks Alec."

"Yep."

She knocked on Izzy's door. The door flew open immediately. "Clary! What's wrong? What happened? Why are you covered in blood?"

"Ummm, I don't think he wants you to know..."

"My brother is probably bleeding judging by the fact his girlfriend is unhurt and covered in blood! That girl is also my friend and I have no right to know what's going on?"

"Look, Izz, he.. Ummm cut himself... But I think I can keep it from happening again." She quickly told Izzy what had happened leaving out the things that were clearly for her hears only -so most of it- and the things she had done to help him "feel alive". "Okay so you're going to sleep with him tonight?"

"Well yes, but not like that!" Clary exclaimed as Isabelle raised an eyebrow.

"Ok then, you need to get cleaned up, put this on." she rummaged through the closet for a moment throwing things on the floor, then she handed Clary a black tank top and a pair of lime green shorts.

"Put these on, and wash the blood off your arms. I'm gonna go see him, when I get back I'll do your hair and makeup."

Before Clary could protest she was closing the door behind her.

When she got back Clary was sitting the bed wearing a tight black tank top with spaghetti straps and only slightly baggy shorts that came halfway down her thigh.

"Hmmm the shorts are a bit big, but they'll have to do. Now for the make up."

"Look Izz Jace is waiting for me... I-"

"No, between what you said and what he said and more importantly what you both didn't say I know that you plan on... Having fun." she smirked. "And why not? He could use a distraction. So let's do this right. I told him you would be a bit longer."

Clary gave in. "Fine just let me call my mom. Let her know I'm spending the night."

Once that was done -her mom was surprisingly willing to give her permission- Izzy got to work.

Clary came in to find a clean Jace propped up by pillows, talking to Alec clearly trying to behave as if nothing was wrong.

When she opened the door Jace's eyes widened, her red hair was flowing gracefully down her back, the tight black tank top fit her perfectly, and the slightly to big shorts kept if from looking to perfect or slutish (the way it looked on Izzy).

Alec saw Jace's reaction and smiled, he punched Jace's arm -very gently- "Have fun."

Jace just stared at Clary as Alec slipped out of room, he paused to say to Clary, "I gave him the potion, he should be good for a while. Just don't let him over do."

She nodded.

"But relax and enjoy yourself, you need it almost as much as he does."

"Why do they all know. And more importantly what do they think they know?" she ask when Alec closed the door.

"Izzy."

"Now it all makes sense." was there anything that girl didn't know...or make up to be more then what it really was?

She sat on the edge of his bed, "So now what?" he asked her.

"You wanna talk some more?" that wasn't really what she wanted to do right now, she wanted to just enjoy being with him, savor the fact that he was alive, but what ever he needed was okay with her.

"Not, right now, I will I promise, I just... Need a break okay?"

She nodded, a small smile playing on her lips. "Wanna watch a movie then?"

He nodded and smiled also, they both knew that when they watched a movie they never really watched all of it or sometimes any of it - kissing was more fun- skipping the part where they acted like we're going to watch the movie ruined the effect.

"Harry Potter?"

"God no!"

"You have no taste, why am I even dating you?" she sighed. "Lord of the rings?"

"Fine, at least that's somewhat enjoyable." he actually liked Lord of the rings, well the first one anyway that was the only one he had seen thus far, they didn't exactly have a ton of time to watch movies and for some reason that was far out of his realme of understanding she always wanted to watch Harry Potter.

She pulled it out of her bag -she had been going to let him borrow them so he would something to keep him busy while he was stuck in bed- and put it in the DVD player on the little TV Izzy had brought in for him.

She sat next to him, he put his arm around her, but just as they got comfortable he remember A Tale of Two Cities. He tried to push it out of his mind but it was if Will was whispering it in his ear over and over, come to think of it he probably was.

"Clary, a tale of two cities."

"I'll be right back." She hesitated.

"I'll be fine. I promise."

She looked at him doubtfully.

"I can tell when I'm about to lose it and I'm not. Go"

She leaned down and kissed him, "I'll be quick. If you need me I have my phone."

When she got back she was holding a rather old and falling apart copy of A Tale of Two Cities.

She handed it to him. He looked a little amazed that it had actually been there. She didn't blame him, she was a bit shocked herself.

He opened the cover, his hands shaking ever so slightly.

"Look." he pointed to some faded words handwritten on that pointless blank page before the first page. It said 'With hope at last William Horendle'

"What ever happened to him it must have ended well." Jace whispered, feeling a bit of the hope Will had been referring to.

"And it will for you too." she whispered.

Somewhere Will smiled. He had done well. He glanced over his shoulder, "Told you I could do it." Jem just rolled his eyes. "And the girl gets none of the credit?"

"The girl gets some."

"The girl deserves it all, we usually do ." Tessa shot back. Will just rolled his eyes and looked superior.

Back in the real world -the real world as we know it at any rate- Clary wrapped her arms around Jace and held him till he stopped shaking.

"This means I really do have to save the world..."

"This means we have to save the world. You're not alone, remember?"

He just looked at her, his eyes wide and scarred. Then he nodded.

"Okay then, first things first. You have to get better okay? And I know just the cure to you started 'on the road to recovery'."

She gently nipped his ear, he laughed.

"I see no reason we should let this ruin our night." Jace said more ready than ever to take his mind off this for a while. They would save the world or die trying, but for now they would "watch a movie", Jace was still scarred and scared and unsure how to go about moving on with his life, but he like Will had found hope at last.

**PLEAS READ! THIS IS IMPORTANT!**

**Okay...So it's done! I wasn't planning on ending it here but it just fits... So yea... Thanks for reading! I love you guys! I might write another story, like a continuation (The Art of Healing) about the rest of his recovery, it would have a lot more about his childhood and stuff. I know a few of you said you would like to read about his childhood. So if you think I should write a continuation let me know. Lol I'll probably write it anyway but I'll write it sooner and update more if you tell me you actually WANT to read it, because let's face it, that's how all us authors work. XD Again Thanks for sticking around till the end! And just FYI I'm going back and fixing some the old chapters, like chapter 12... I really think I was like half asleep when I wrote that, but that's still no excuse. So if you "The Art of Healing" I'll let you know in one of my unbearably long authors notes once that horrible chapter is less horrible.**

**So what did you think of my first fan fic? XD**


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